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Posted by alexandra_k on July 29, 2017, at 17:28:04

I think that things seem pretty bad, here. I'm unhappy here. The paper seems to be trying to tell me that things seem pretty bad here for most people. Very high rates of suicide. Very high rates of child abuse. Very high rates of domestic violence. Very high rates of drunk driving related injury and death.

I think I was here (this country, I mean) for around 7 years (the first time) before I found myself wondering why I had to have been born, at all. Thinking that I never asked to be born. Wondering why I had to have been born since nobody seemed to value me for the good things that I had to offer this world.

Perhaps I've been back, now, for around 7 years because I find myself wondering these things again. This feeling seems to have been induced in me, again. I think there is something about the environment here. I don't know what it is, whether there is something in the water, or the food supply, or whether it is something about the people and / or the culture of the people. But it seems to be endemic. Like these people who lived some place in Chile and suffered from the heavy metals in the soil there is something particularly toxic about this country.

Maybe it is just that it is the trash heap of the English Speaking Developed world. Partly because it was the last to be settled (least civilised). Partly because it is geographically the most distant (end of the supply chain). There used to be talk of the 'brain drain' where our brightest graduates would leave for other countries. There was always rather less talk of how many of those graduates would come back later in life - only to find that there simply wasn't a place for them, here. They would come back keen to take things they learned from overseas and apply that to making this country better and they found they simply couldn't get anything done here.

I suppose that is because when the brightest graduates left then it meant that the remainder were left to take charge of this place. I don't suppose they are happy about being considered not so bright for choosing / being required to stay here. Or perhaps they are totally thrilled at their luck that they get to do far more than anybody would have let them do in any of our English speaking neighbouring countries. Then, when those who went away come back... You have a whole heap wishing they never came back. Or trying to assert that they aren't that bright, after all. Or what they want to effect (with the intention of making this place better) will never work (or people would have done that already). And people have more invested in proving how things can't get better here, than in seeing things get better here.

I'm starting to think that there isn't a place for me.

Perhaps it only was a sort of a cheap training ground for the rest of the English Speaking Developed world. A convenient rubbish heap for the not so brightest / morally dubious amongst them.

What would you do if you were us and that is a fairly accurate understanding of the situation? If you were in something like that position... What is a good way forwards for that country?

I suppose one thing you could do is try and make things / yourself as unattractive as possible. Check out our suicide rates, people, nothing to see here. Check out all the ugly people with skin cancer and horrible teeth. Getting fatter, they are, too, and dumb as posts with all that fetal alcohol and oxygen deprivation.

But what to do about the schools... I mean... If you turn out competent graduates. Kids who can read, write, do arithmetic. Kids who are capable of following instructions when said only once. Kids who are capable of entering a room, assessing a situation, and getting on with what needs to be done. These kids... If identified. Will be taken away. I mean if you are looking for a cohort within a generation... It's going to be the kids with the attention orienting response (to the teacher rather than their peers). The ones who can follow a pointing finger along it's trajectory to target (rather than staring bamboozled at the face).

So... In upside down and back to front land... What is valued is trash here. And there is apparently much of value in the trash. The trash. The trash of the world.

The whole Medicine thing... I probably won't get to do it. It really attracts the vultures. There's a lot of money about and that brings scored and scores of them. There are a lot of vulnerable people to be preyed upon. It's sort of the trifecta for all the psychopaths in the world. All the people who want nothing more than to exert power and control over other human beings. The people who most want a person-pet. And not like... Wanting to keep a stable full of prize ponies... Wanting to keep a tenement block full of rats for the fun in watching them tear each other apart when times get tough.

There used to be this talk of how Maaori and non-Maaori culture were like two different realms. And about how some of the kids would say it was like they were worlds apart and they would live in one world at school and then live in another world at home. Only... That is becoming less and less of the case. Or, the worlds are being divided up differently, is more the point. Those kids aren't really getting to experience that other school world, anymore. We aren't teaching our kids reading writing and arithmetic anymore because if we do we think they'll only get taken away. We teach them to walk into a room and go on and on and on about how they like to live in rubbish so...

So you have to be psychopathic... Two-faced. 'Adaptable' in order to survive.

And the whole traditional thing... Having the orienting response (that means you don't see the blow from your peer bully coming)... All of that... Counts as a disability indeed. In upside down and back to front land.

I'm led to believe there are elements of this everywhere...

Maybe that is true.

Mostly I just needed to vent. I haven't felt this bad since... Since living here for a while, yeah. Seriously thinking that if I don't get to do Med then I just don't want to live anymore. I certainly don't want to live here, anymore. Becuase... How much of my life has been led not only victimised by the bullies around me... But being manhandled by the supposed Medical professionals (the trash of the Medical world, too, no doubt). The point is... Self determination. So that won't be the case, anymore. I'm not a vulture crying out for my piece of the pie or trying to get put in the position where I can sexually interfere with others (a serious motivator, of course - I mean they all but advertise it as such). It's just... Sickening. I feel sick.

People from here really are killing themselves. Our best people. And drinking themselves to death and so on. What part of this is okay?

I just...

I don't want to live like this.

Noone in their right mind would.

I mean. Let the people live how they want to live...

But beam me up.

Tick tock.




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