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Re: aww

Posted by alexandra_k on December 18, 2017, at 0:33:34

In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2017, at 17:55:57

the waiting is driving me nuts. the not knowing. trying to make plans, to get things in place, but everything is dependent on whether i get a place, or not.

i am scared that if they think i'll settle for x or y or z... if they think i'll just settle into one of those other degree programs... that they won't offer me a place because of that.

that's probably a silly thought, though. i think they'll probably decide if they want me or not independently from whether i'll settle into something else. i mean... they take people out after only first year who would settle just fine into physiology or biochemistry or molecular biology or whatever...

i just don't want to do anything else, at this point. but i very much want to do this.

i'm almost afraid to read books... in case i jinx it. i don't usually feel that way about books, but. but then it starts to feel like any sort of planning for next year might do that. signing up for a lease on a house...

what am i going to do if i don't get to do this?

i don't want to study anything else at this university. i don't want to study anything else at any university in NZ. i... don't want to study anything else. i can't think what on earth kind of job for me... so... a life on disability...

i wish we could have sensible conversations about a life worth living. about informed consent to end it. about rational reasons that are to be respected, and so on. i don't think my life is worth living, at all costs. but we aren't allowed to talk about such things... can't process any of it with an impartial...

the hippocratic oath thing is funny. the bits about teaching the doctors kids if they want to learn. about not performing abortions. the whole thing...

the other alternative applicants found out months ago. of course it's possible i did, too. that my application status won't change because they chose not to consider it. but otherwise... i guess i find out with the undergraduate / graduate applicants. because they were the places decided in the most recent admissions committee meeting. i suppose that is it. i suppose there is some kind of... you always remember hearing about getting in. since it alters the course of your life, so.

i just know i will be so very miserable if i don't get to do it. i... don't want to do anything else.

other applicants... at this point... can always finish their first degree. can always finish an honours year. a masters. a PhD. go into the workforce. apply back later. but this is it, for me. i suppose the other people in that boat all heard back earlier, to be fair. it is hard waiting so long... signing a lease on a house? I guess I just gotta have faith...





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