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Re: bizarre meeting(s) Ľ ElaineM

Posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 3:18:34

In reply to Re: bizarre meeting(s) Ľ Tamar, posted by ElaineM on July 25, 2006, at 20:05:04

Hi Elaine,

> He said that I deserve someone to go through this with.

I agree with him about that. You do deserve someone. You deserve lots of people. I just worry whether he can be what you need him to be.

> And since there was no one else, he made it him. It's more like "friendship therapy" now. We don't talk about the past or patterns, or anything except how it get from one day to the next. How to get through a long night. How to not hurt myself when the pain medication is not bringing relief. My life has changed soooo much since I was with ladyT. I guess the way of doing therapy had to change too.

I think thereís a lot to be said for addressing a crisis when youíre in one Ė and it does sound as if youíre in a crisis right now. And Iím not a therapist so I donít know exactly how therapists help patients through a crisis in the long term. But Iím pretty sure that some aspects of a present crisis can be found in the past. And maybe doing a bit of the kind of therapy you were doing with your female therapist might help you bring the crisis to an end. I would hope that he asks you how you dealt with various kinds of pain in the past: physical pain, emotional pain and so on. For example, it sounds to me as if your emotional pain manifests itself in your body. If thatís the case, your physical pain could be made much worse by the accompanying emotional pain. If your therapist were helping you to manage your emotional pain you might be able to manage your physical pain better. Also, it sounds to me as if you might have punished your body and made it somehow external to yourself. If your therapist were able to help you to think about your relationship with your body and how to love and care for it, perhaps you would be better able to handle the pain. But I donít see how your therapist can provide you with a safe space for talking about your body when heís overstepping the boundaries in such an overt way. And I think you need a therapist you can feel very, very safe with. You deserve that.

> I feel like I need a bit of love, and I'll take it however it comes, from whomever it comes. I can't be choosy.

This sounds very much like the words of someone with a history of abuse. People who have been abused often think theyíre unworthy of love from someone who will respect their boundaries. People who have been abused are often willing to put up with love that is mixed with danger, because they have learned that danger and pain are part of love; they donít expect anything better. And thatís true for all kinds of abuse: physical, emotional and sexual. Therapy should be helping you to find ways of valuing yourself and coming to believe that you deserve the love without the fear. The thing is, love that comes with fear isnít really love. Itís just more abuse. Real love doesnít ask you to do things that make you feel bad; real love is a gift rather than a contract. Someone who really loves you would respect your boundaries. You deserve real love.

> I just need to know that someone else's heart breaks when I'm in agony, or that they'd crumble in tears if I died.

I canít speak for others, but I would certainly crumble in tears if you died. Please donít die.

> I'm afraid another T wouldn't be human enough. I don't want to suffer alone. Selfish -- I admit. But I can't help what I feel, and fear.

I donít think itís selfish at all. Itís completely normal and acceptable. And I can see that he gives you something that you donít feel able to find elsewhere. But Ė and itís a big but Ė you are such a sweet and kind person, I find it impossible to imagine that youíd find it difficult to make friends or find a partner. Who wouldnít want to get to know you? I know we at Babble feel incredibly privileged to be getting to know you. Iím so glad you joined us. Youíre a real asset to the community.

> This holiday will be hard. I MISS MY DOCTOR SO BADLY! If only I could've stayed with her until after his vacation. Thanks for talking to me. Your posts have been comforts from the beginning.

I know. Itís very hard to miss people. But each day you get through is a day closer to seeing him again. Is there any way you can use this time to think about things you would like to do that are within the bounds of possibility for you? Something that would help you get through the day? Maybe getting involved in a charity or a campaigning group or something like that, where you can meet people who devote some time to caring about other people? I donít know what kinds of things youíre interested in, but youíre clearly a caring and intelligent person and you have a lot to offer. I donít know whatís possible for you when youíre in so much pain.

I hope things get easier for you soon.





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