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violence, affection **triggers? Ľ Tamar

Posted by ElaineM on July 27, 2006, at 16:20:48

In reply to Re: past/present Ľ ElaineM, posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 18:29:37

I think there may be death, and violence triggers in here.

>>>>Sorry sorry sorry. I really didnít mean to make it hard for you. And I absolutely did not mean to invalidate your illness. Iím really sorry that what I said resonated in an invalidating way.

Tamar: Please don't say sorry - it's unnecessary. I don't think you were invalidating me at all. It just reminded me of others. You're just trying to help me figure this out, see it from as many sides as possible. When I said I "knew how you were saying it", I meant that I knew there was nothing cruel being implied. I hope it didn't sound accusatory, because I meant the complete opposite.

>>>>So maybe it would be better if I ask a question (which you donít have to answer, of course): do you sometimes feel as if your body doesnít really belong to you? Or maybe that your self and your body are two separate entities?

I may not understand the question, but I've always felt that my self could've been different if it had been put in a different container. Maybe that means that I think I am only a body. I don't think that answered the question though. Other than that, I know I've always always felt that I was not a regular human.

It was expected that I wouldn't survive when born, and I've had twin sisters die just after they were born, so I have always felt as though my life was a mistake. I'm so flawed and terrible that I probably took the "aliveness" that was meant for them. They probably would've been better at living than me. They probably would've enjoyed life. I know this all sounds dumb, but it's just one of those crazy things that a person convinces themself might be true. I sort of felt that since I wasn't supposed to exist that it was only a matter of time before the balance was corrected, and I died. I guess that's why I've always been expecting death since I was little.

I don't know if that "seperateness" is what you were talking about though. The question may have gone over my head.

>>>Well, if you have learned that violence goes together with getting your needs met, then of course you might think you like it. And of course a gentler touch might make you feel uncomfortable if itís unfamiliar because anything unfamiliar is dangerous.
...Iíve also read that sexual masochism is fairly common in people who have been abused: they find it incredibly liberating and sexy to *choose* to submit to pain with someone they trust, in contrast to earlier experiences of having pain forced on them by someone who canít be trusted.

My T has said something similar about love and violence getting mixed and confused for one another. But maybe I'm not a masochist (I don't really know anything about it) because I don't think violence is sexy. I think two things. One: That sometimes I think violence is loving. That it means someone cares about you, because it's better than being ignored. Two: I like it because, even if I can't be sure it's loving and is actually hateful, I find it comforting because it makes me feel less guilty for being - that I'm buying the right to subject others to me.

This subject is confusing to me. I've never talked about it before. I don't really even understand everything I'm saying so I better stop. The only time my T really talked about it was one of the first times he touched me and said that he cared about me. I started crying and asked if he would hit me instead. That it would make me feel better. It was so embarrassing cause it just fell out of my mouth. Stupid crazy!! Usually I don't talk much, and when I do I go over it in my head a million times to make sure that it's okay. I guess I let my guard slip for a moment -- it happens when I panic.

I may not have understood all the masochism stuff that you explained either, so forgive me if I've gone way off-base. Mainly I was just sad that you felt you had to say Sorry.





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poster:ElaineM thread:669755