Posted by ElaineM on July 24, 2006, at 21:02:22
In reply to Today, posted by ElaineM on July 24, 2006, at 8:15:08
[Good to hear from you LL. Thanks for thinking of me. You help.]
For the past couple of weeks he had been referring to me as [and I'm going to spell it very wrong on purpose, so it won't come up on search engines], his "Ladee of Sha-lought". I finally asked why he was saying that, and he said it was from a poem. I hadn't read it before so I asked him to give me a copy so I could learn it. He brought a printout of it and I took it home. When I read it, it was printed on the back of old paper. Like photocopies of documents. The poem was like four pages long, on the back of the cover letter of his divorce case, and some property documents. It had him and his ex's full names, birth dates, and multiple copies of their signatures. I know where she lives now, and her maiden name. I know how much his home is worth, the address of it (I already saw it though), where he banks, who his lawyer is, his phone number (which I already knew), her phone number. I don't understand what it means for him to give me these things. Do you think it was an accident? How am I supposed to react to this? I kinda feel a bit like a pervert, or voyeur, or something.
And then to top it off, I read the poem, and the woman sets in motion her own death, for wanting to be with another. Is that what he wants me to do? Have I interpreted the poem wrong. Why would he call me that? He used to call me his Eliza, and I could kind of get it, but this one isn't making sense. Is he trying to tell me that I'm going to end up killing myself?
We've also been talking about his ex, and he was telling me about how they met, and what it was about her that made him leave her. He has described me using similar words, in a letter he sent me 1.5 months ago. He probably forgot, but I haven't. I still have the letter. I think he wants to warn me about the parts of my behaviour that could push him to leave me too. I just don't know how to change. All I think about now is how to feel the least amount of pain as possible. I don't care so much that I'm indecisive, cold, ambivalent... I don't think I can fix myself. I'm going to upset him. TELL ME HOW TO CHANGE!!! I'm afraid my personality will come out when I see him to say goodbye and he will never come back to me too.
Today's session was really weird. When I came in, we talked for maybe five minutes about his vacation, and then he said that he thought we should do something different to relax. He asked me to read poetry to him. I felt pretty silly. I've never even volunteered to read during my lectures at school before. Some were victorian era stuff (which was fine) but then it was 20th cen. love poems. I asked him if I could turn away if I had to read them outloud (cause I was already nervous and embarrassed) and I knew I'd stutter if I saw him watching me. Sometimes when I'm anxious my vision blurs (or the letters don't make sense to me). He said okay. But then he came right up behind me on the couch, and read along over my shoulder. I felt so stupid. Nobody reads poetry to others.
Then after like 12 or so, he said that he had brought in some music. So we lay back on the couch (me propped up by a bunch of pillows) and listened to opera arias and chorales. We weren't touching though. But at the end he moved over beside me and put his arm around me (over my shoulder) and said, I'm so glad to be able to share this with you.
It was bizarre. Not romantic -- which was really good. Not comforting though. More like surreal. I think he wanted to calm me (which was kind), but I just felt confused about what I was supposed to do. But he seemed pleased. And he still wants to see me tomorrow, so I guess he enjoyed how the day went. I hope I don't screw things up tomorrow, cause I feel like he might definately come back now.
Sorry, I've jumped around here, and have asked alot of questions. I'm just confused (on top of everything else). I have a history of angering people and I want to learn how to not do that. I'm so nervous and sad for tomorrow. What should I say to him? He said he is going to have another surprise. I just hope I don't have to read anything else.
thanks for listening, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670166.html