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Re: past/present Ľ ElaineM

Posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 18:29:37

In reply to past/present Ľ Tamar, posted by ElaineM on July 26, 2006, at 16:42:26

Hi Elaine,

> Tamar: It's true that all my other issues stem from the past. Some more recent than others. We have talked a little (while I was healthy) about some of the past. It took a long time to get to that point -- there was alot of nothingness before then. But once I became ill (symptoms started manifesting last Nov/Dec) all my progress (if that's what it was) evaporated. My life had finally started to expand after coping with some family deaths, I had the anorexia under controll, and I even talked to someone in one of my classes. I was starting to live again, and then out of nowhere this happened. ANd within a month or so, my body started to collapse and it took the small life I had with it. I was okay before. Not great. Not even good. But I was functioning at the highest level I'd been at for years.

Thatís so very sad. Really appalling. Illness is a terrible thing, and I think people who are entirely healthy just donít understand how hard it is just to make it through stuff other people think is Ďnormalí Ė like coping with stairs, as you said. Iím glad your profs were supportive.

> >>>>For example, it sounds to me as if your emotional pain manifests itself in your body....Also, it sounds to me as if you might have punished your body and made it somehow external to yourself.
> Oh Tamar, that part is so hard to hear. I know how you were saying it -- that emotional trauma can exacerbate existing physical problems

Sorry sorry sorry. I really didnít mean to make it hard for you. And I absolutely did not mean to invalidate your illness. Iím really sorry that what I said resonated in an invalidating way.

I agree that emotional trauma can exacerbate existing physical problems, but I was thinking about something else as well. Iím not sure if I know how to explain it. So maybe it would be better if I ask a question (which you donít have to answer, of course): do you sometimes feel as if your body doesnít really belong to you? Or maybe that your self and your body are two separate entities? I guess Iím only asking because what youíve said sounds like stuff Iíve felt, but of course your experience is your own, and itís unique.

> -- but I've had versions of that thrown at me by some horribly insensitive, pompous doctors. That I am "too young" to be ill.

B*stards. What does Ďtoo young to be illí mean? Even babies can get seriously ill. Even fetuses can get ill. What a ridiculous thing to say. Too young to be ill? I hope you told those doctors they were too insensitive to be allowed out in public!

> I've shed so many tears having my situation be invalidated. I would do anything to not be living with this. I would be stronger. I could focus more on the mental stuff. Infact, I have an entirely new perspective on life now. What is important. What is not. I could see myself becoming a different person -- a better one, a more alive one. All that matters is physical health. If only I had my body back. I have to stop wishing for it, cause it's not coming, but I want another chance. I want time to rewind. I want to bypass the eating disorder. I want to know everything I know now, then. I'm just not going to get that chance.

Itís hard to stop wishing for it. Accepting a serious illness isnít something you can do overnight. Is your condition one that goes into remission from time to time? Is that something to hope for?

> >>>> People who have been abused are often willing to put up with love that is mixed with danger, because they have learned that danger and pain are part of love.
> This is embarrassingly true. I don't like talking about it though. But for me, I think I like violence. Sometimes being hurt feels like a hug to me. Better than a hug. I think that's part of the reason why I find it so disturbing to be touched gently. Maybe I'm a masochist. (oh god, I'm so humiliated saying all that. i'm a crazy, disgusting, perverted mess.) ....I was going to say more but it's too hard right now.

Well, if you have learned that violence goes together with getting your needs met, then of course you might think you like it. And of course a gentler touch might make you feel uncomfortable if itís unfamiliar because anything unfamiliar is dangerous. You know about the familiar dangers and you found ways of coping with them somehow. But stuff thatís new and different must be terrifying.

I actually know some people who are sexual masochists. I donít think theyíre perverted or disgusting. Pain and pleasure can be closely related. Iíve also read that sexual masochism is fairly common in people who have been abused: they find it incredibly liberating and sexy to *choose* to submit to pain with someone they trust, in contrast to earlier experiences of having pain forced on them by someone who canít be trusted.

But even if you have masochistic fantasies, that doesnít make you a masochist. And even if it turns out youíre a masochist, that doesnít make you disgusting. Itís all part of the normal spectrum of human sexuality. As far as I can tell, the most important thing about sexual masochism is the intimacy people feel with their partner. The pain is a vehicle for the intimacy. Without intimacy and trust, masochist sexual practices arenít erotic at all.

> I don't really speak to people in person. Once I got sick with the ED, anything remotely social disappeared -- I was too medically unstable, too zombie-like. Now, I can't act, or talk, or relate, or even think like others my age. I'm a 12yr old child in an aging, breaking container. I can't get around well. Most days, it's too tiring to leave the house. It is hard enough getting to my sessions -- it drains me dry.

Iíve heard that EDs can result in people becoming less interested in social interaction. And obviously your current pain doesnít help. Iím sorry itís so hard. Itís just so unfair. But even if you canít get out much, please do keep posting here!





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