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response: fear caraher

Posted by ElaineM on July 24, 2006, at 16:19:27

In reply to Re: He's leaving ****triggers****, posted by caraher on July 23, 2006, at 18:19:08

Caraher, you are so generous in all you write -- I don't understand. But the reason you can't remember what I have is because I've never come out and said it. I don't want to say it cause then I'll feel like it's a part of me. And it's not. It's a life-suck that lives inside me - I hate it. I hate myself that I'm ill. I hate that I can be sick and alive at the same time. I'm sorry to be cryptic, but I still believe sometimes that if I don't read about, or talk about, or write about it, that it will disappear. The only thing I feel comfortable saying is that I have alot of specialists, do alot of tests, and use alot of pain killers. And that it makes it hard to sleep and get around.

The most upsetting part is that there are differing diagnosis'. So in the end, it's like they cancel each other out, and nothing gets done. Each one asks what the other guy is doing, and when I say "Nothing", they say versions of "Oh it must not be as bad." The thing is though is that it's getting slowly worse. I was normal last fall -- now I'm a decrepit 25/95year old who's becoming housebound.
I appreciate you saying not to lose hope, but I've been looking for the past 8 months for the smallest sign of encouragement to grab onto, and it's nowhere to be found. That's why I focus so much of my energy on being around someone, anyone (my T). I couldn't bare crumbling like this alone.

I know people are online sometimes -- and it does help a little -- but I feel like I'm a vortex of need. I sometimes feel like I need more than the world can give me. No, you don't sound like a smart@ss, cause Yes there are ambulances. I sort of was referring to having someone there to calm me, and kill time while waiting, and sit with me through more tests, and ride with me there. Also, I can't really pay for the cost. My T would, my parents might if he asked them. But on my own -- no. My parents said they don't want to hear about "the thing" until I'm in a hospital. And I couldn't bare hearing their insensitive cr@p anyways. If I'm invalidated one more time, I'll implode.

I am reluctant to depend on others. But really, there are no others. Who would want to sign on to be a pathetic girl's caretaker? I couldn't pay someone. I haven't been to church since I was 10. I don't know who would help. I'm not afraid of begging for help. I do it all the time with doctors. Debase myself hoping to win my health. Or at least a few minutes longer in their offices. THe only one I don't have to beg to is my T.

I only say I'm a nobody because I don't have coverage. I've seen how people get treated in the hospital when the-bottom-line is first in their mind. It is true -- fear is the number one thing that motivates me. Fear of not being able to care for myself. Fear of being sick alone. Fear of completely losing the ability to walk. And fear of losing the last person in my life (T). That's it. That's all I think about.

I don't mean that he uses me in a sinister way. He uses me as his friend. And if that's all the wants, after putting up with my horribleness for so long, than he can have it.

My T says differently, He says I need to work more on connections. That I don't commit to actions or people, and that is what has ruined my emotional life. I think that he just doesn't want to call me (i'd never call him unless it was an emergency) is because he's going away with someone real. Probably someone beautiful and mature and intellectual. That's okay. He can look for the things I'm not, in someone else. I'm okay with that. I don't need his whole heart, only a small piece. I do agree however, that normally a good T would help their client be more independant. I think I'm too far gone. Too child-like and ignorant. And now, too sickly. I think he started treating me differently because he thinks I'm dying. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Thank you so much for saying that I write well. I don't really, but considering that that's all I do now, I'd like for it to be true. My T has me write for him. He always laughs (not in a mean way) and says my writing is very naked. He told me, "You write too honestly. Like a little child". I used to write school stuff really well. But when it comes to my thoughts, I just explode in run-on babble cause I'm so desperate to make sure I'm heard -- that people can understand me.

It is very very hard to hear you say that I'm a beautiful person. I was not always the person all my symptoms paint me. They have made me become even uglier than I am. I wish I could go back a year. I was okay with myself then. Even the anorexia was being controlled. I almost had my life back. If there seems to be someone you can tolerate inside all my words, then it's probably the remainder of that old me. I wish there was more.

Thank for being so kind. I've never been so nervous and fearful before, and I know it's hard to witness others be like that. (((caraher)))





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