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Re: bizarre meeting(s) Tamar

Posted by ElaineM on July 25, 2006, at 20:05:04

In reply to Re: bizarre meeting(s) ElaineM, posted by Tamar on July 25, 2006, at 14:17:30

Tamar, I'm glad to hear from you. I hope you're feeling a little better now. I think what my whole situation comes down to, is that he feels bad I have no love (or even like) in my life now. All there is is pain (which he, and all the other doctors, can't lessen). He said that I deserve someone to go through this with. And since there was no one else, he made it him. It's more like "friendship therapy" now. We don't talk about the past or patterns, or anything except how it get from one day to the next. How to get through a long night. How to not hurt myself when the pain medication is not bringing relief. My life has changed soooo much since I was with ladyT. I guess the way of doing therapy had to change too.

I do think the poem stuff is weird. I never considered the difference between suggesting I read, and reading to him. I suppose he figures that I'm so lonely and isolated at home, that I would like to share things with another person. I do sometimes get "romantic" vibes from him -- not often, and not very strong at all. I could even be making them up. Just an odd feeling. I don't want to ever have to sleep with him, and I'm not even sure if I could kiss him, but I feel like I need a bit of love, and I'll take it however it comes, from whomever it comes. I can't be choosy. I worry that another T will not love me -- though I know that that's not what T's are supposed to do. I just need to know that someone else's heart breaks when I'm in agony, or that they'd crumble in tears if I died. I'm afraid another T wouldn't be human enough. I don't want to suffer alone. Selfish -- I admit. But I can't help what I feel, and fear.

This holiday will be hard. I MISS MY DOCTOR SO BADLY! If only I could've stayed with her until after his vacation. Thanks for talking to me. Your posts have been comforts from the beginning.





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