Posted by ElaineM on July 23, 2006, at 16:29:16
mentions wanting to die, illness and relationship with T
*********************I'm sorry I haven't been very attentive to recent posts. When I'm capable of it, I like being able to write to others -- it makes me feel like I have a small purpose. But I'm having a really hard time. And I feel bad flooding my silly personal cr@p over the board -- It's one thing to sink myself, but another to drown others. I know that's kinda what this place is for, but I can't help feeling guilty. [thanks c for explaining otherwise]
Over the last week and a half, my body has collapsed and I'm in agony nearly 24hours a day. Sometimes I cry when I wake up, BECAUSE I've woken up. I'm in so much pain, and so alone and scared. I want each day to be over, but then all that's waiting is a tomorrow that looks exactly the same! Drugs don't help -- at least not at the doses I can tolerate. Any higher and I lose balance and motor control.
I miss my Dr. more than I can say -- so much I feel I could throw-up. My body was broken (and will stay that way), but she was holding my heart together. Knowing she was watching me, while others turned their backs, was all that was getting me from one day to the next. I've lost someone I cared for infinately more than my actual mother! [I feel disgusted with myself for saying that, but it's true]
My T is leaving on vacation now. I asked him if he will be in phone contact and he said, "No, I don't think that can be arranged." I'll never have been so thoroughly alone!! I've grown used to no husband, no friends, no family support, but that only inflated the importance of my physician and T (and recently, you guys). Everyone is leaving!!!
The scariest thing is I'm physically stranded. I can't leave my place. I don't have anyone to help me if I needed to go to the hospital. It is a comfort having him in my life cause I always imagine him looking out for me if I end up in the hospital (not letting the other doctors ignore me or treat me poorly cause I'm a nobody). That's so selfish! I'm such a sneeky user! I use him more than he uses me, and I don't deserve him! And I have nothing to do to kill the endless hours -- nothing distracts from the pains anyways. My T usually talks with me a few times every day! God, I usually never go more than two or three days without being with him! What am I going to do? I even had the stupid feeling that he would take me with him. Crazy girl!! He's always saying how much he wants to show his affection, and that I'm never out of his thoughts or his heart....he says he wants to hold onto me forever....why won't he say he'll try to call me once. It's making me so nervous that there is no emergency number.
He gave me a present last session to help me think of him while he's gone. But that's not the problem! I'll be thinking too much already. It's the functioning I need help with. The physical stuff has me wishing for death way more than the emotional hurt. I'm used to never being able to rely on my brain or my heart, but I must always have my body!! And pain is like a rip-tide -- it grabs onto you a drags you under.
(I want my doctor!!!!!! I miss her. I want her to cure me or kill me -- I don't care which, as long as it's one of them.)
Something else has happened in recent sessions that's confusing me, but I don't think I can write it out now. (Once again, this is so long already!) I see him once more normally, and then he's letting me see him an extra time the night before he leaves. He is nice when he doesn't have to be. I'm afraid I won't be able to not cry. I don't do it infront of him very often now, but I don't think I'll be able to help it. And crying makes me look even uglier! (I even feel like you guys can see my tears through the screen. Dumb!) He says he wants to prove to me that he'll miss me but I'm sure he will be glad to leave. I always make men hate, or leave. I wish I was beautiful and smart and lovely. I want to beg him to not go, but I know that that wouldn't change his plans. I don't know what to do! Maybe I'll just completely zone-out on pills while he's gone. I don't know!!!
I'm sorry for writing all this. I don't want to hurt others. I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of this worthless body. I'm tired of SI. I'm tired of tears and pills. There is writing on here and nothingness! Please don't hate me. I'm sorry I don't know how to help myself.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/669755.html