Posted by ElaineM on July 25, 2006, at 19:29:00
In reply to Re:EL, posted by LadyBug on July 25, 2006, at 1:23:24
Annierose: I hear your concern, and it makes me think I'm less alone. But it is hard for me to think that he is destructive when my body is breaking me way more than he could. It is so hard -- pain dwarfs everything else.
I'm sure he loves me on some small level -- more than romantic. And I don't think he loves himself at all. Oh if you were only there to witness our meeting today. You'd feel so sorry for him. I think he may even hate himself. It breaks my heart to witness pain like that. I'd rather bare it on my body for him -- suffering through pain is my life, but I don't think he is used to it at all. Sorry, I realize it's hard to understand without being there. I hope you don't hate me for seeming so stubborn. I'm frozen, stone-like with all my problems right now. I don't want to turn you all away though.
LadyBug: Another surgery! My god, you must be so tired. Will that be the last one? - hopefully. I hope you will let your T come and see you. If she was so caring to offer, I'm sure she wouldn't even be judging your actual house. It sounds like it could be such a bonding thing for the two of you. She'd have a new little piece to help her know you more fully. Though maybe that would be too stressful for you right now. Don't do anything if you think it would make you too uncomfortable, but also don't be ashamed or embarrassed to let her show her support.
In my heart, I'm afraid that I will end up hurting him, rather than the other way around. And it's funny that you asked about paying for sessions. Two weeks ago he stopped charging entirely for my three times a week sessions.(never for occasional weekend ones) He said that it was a gesture of his friendship. And he already knows I can't afford my teeth. Or upgrading my degree at school -- that's why he offered to pay me to work, or lend me the money. The whole money aspect is a relatively new thing.
He does want to see me "outside". He already has a couple of times. He keeps pushing for more, because he says that it would be easier to act more natural "out in the real world". But I'm afraid to have others watch me walk. I was nervous in public before my health deteriorated. I just feel safer, in a way, being inside the office.
I wish a were braver. I always want to be stronger so the doctors will respect me more. But thank you for the complement. You are very brave yourself :-)
I will be thinking of you next week for sure.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670469.html