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Re: violence, affection **triggers? ElaineM

Posted by llrrrpp on July 27, 2006, at 17:23:34

In reply to violence, affection **triggers? Tamar, posted by ElaineM on July 27, 2006, at 16:20:48

> It was expected that I wouldn't survive when born, and I've had twin sisters die just after they were born, so I have always felt as though my life was a mistake. I'm so flawed and terrible that I probably took the "aliveness" that was meant for them. They probably would've been better at living than me. They probably would've enjoyed life. I know this all sounds dumb, but it's just one of those crazy things that a person convinces themself might be true. I sort of felt that since I wasn't supposed to exist that it was only a matter of time before the balance was corrected, and I died. I guess that's why I've always been expecting death since I was little.

Another thing you *may* believe, that's equally irrational, but more productive-- Perhaps your life was spared because you have a chance to achieve something positive by existing in this world. Perhaps your life is a gift to others, and you can spend your life exploring your opportunities, rather than wondering why you even exist. I think your presence on p-babble is a wonderful gift, because I feel like I learn something everytime you write about yourself.

> >>>Well, if you have learned that violence goes together with getting your needs met, then of course you might think you like it. And of course a gentler touch might make you feel uncomfortable if its unfamiliar because anything unfamiliar is ced on them by someone who cant be trusted.

> This subject is confusing to me. I've never talked about it before. I don't really even understand everything I'm saying so I better stop. The only time my T really talked about it was one of the first times he touched me and said that he cared about me. I started crying and asked if he would hit me instead. That it would make me feel better. It was so embarrassing cause it just fell out of my mouth. Stupid crazy!! Usually I don't talk much, and when I do I go over it in my head a million times to make sure that it's okay.

It's okay to not know what things mean. It's okay not to have everything figured out. I think having a T you can trust saying these things to is priceless. You may worry about how awkward a particular confession is, but ultimately, T is supposed to make you feel good about being open with him. THEN the hard work comes with sorting out your thoughts and feelings.

Well, if your T can't do it, I will. Thank you for being open about this stuff. I think a lot of people have felt confused about pain and pleasure and love and abuse. I can't offer any specific insights to your situation, but having these feelings and sharing them on babble or with your T is not wrong. Awkward, perhaps, but not wrong. So don't stop talking just because you feel stupid or like you're not making a lot of sense. Maybe someone out there can help you make sense?

take care,




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