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Re: He's leaving MidnightBlue

Posted by ElaineM on July 24, 2006, at 19:58:57

In reply to Re: He's leaving ****triggers**** ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on July 23, 2006, at 21:30:31

Midnight: I do live in a large city. I never read anything about my problem cause that just upsets me. And I don't want to get addicted to the internet, reading about all worst-case scenarios -- I'm afraid to work myself up into even more of a frenzy. I'm terrified I'll read that it's even more hopeless for me than it already feels. I don't know of any organizations. I don't have any coverage at all right now. I'm not even getting disability benefits yet. (I have an interview soon) I can't even afford to get additional repairs done on my teeth. I've always leaned on the university to cover alot (med, optical, physio, medical, and dental). Last year I maxed out the limit. But since I've graduated, I have nothing supporting me.

How do I reach out to others? I can't even reach out to doctors! My family won't listen to anything to do with emotional or physical problems. I'm afraid that another T, okay, I know another T would push me away. I feel like I need more help, not less. It's terrible for me to say, I know. I don't often think of working on the issues that I came to therapy with -- I don't think future oriented anymore. If it's coming, it's going to be a painful and bleak one.

I know I'm pathetic. I know my situation is wrong. But I can't do this alone. I just can't. I'm sorry. I know it's so annoying when people can't accept good advice. I'm sorry. I love reading your messages, I try and get into the mind-set where I'd consider how I could follow through, sometimes I think of what it would be like, often I end up reminising about my last T, or my Doc. But then I throw out a knee putting on a shoe, or I strain my back trying to get out of the shower, or I'm staring at the clock at 2:50am unable to sleep but exhausted, and all I care about is having someone to hold onto.

If I was stronger. If I had a string of good weeks. Maybe I could try looking again. But the last time, talking to that woman at the center, emptied me. I'm so tired. And too sad. Desperate.

Midnight, I wish I could give you more to work with. I do. It means ALOT that you would take the time to respond. You guys are really the only people I hear from. The only good thing I've started to do is email one of my old friends that lives far away. Sometimes she sends one back -- and that makes me smile for a minute or two. That's the best I've been able to do right now.

thanks, EL




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poster:ElaineM thread:669755