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past/present Tamar

Posted by ElaineM on July 26, 2006, at 16:42:26

In reply to Re: bizarre meeting(s) ElaineM, posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 3:18:34

>>>>> But Im pretty sure that some aspects of a present crisis can be found in the past.

Tamar: It's true that all my other issues stem from the past. Some more recent than others. We have talked a little (while I was healthy) about some of the past. It took a long time to get to that point -- there was alot of nothingness before then. But once I became ill (symptoms started manifesting last Nov/Dec) all my progress (if that's what it was) evaporated. My life had finally started to expand after coping with some family deaths, I had the anorexia under controll, and I even talked to someone in one of my classes. I was starting to live again, and then out of nowhere this happened. ANd within a month or so, my body started to collapse and it took the small life I had with it. I was okay before. Not great. Not even good. But I was functioning at the highest level I'd been at for years.

But quickly all that became important was how to move through each moment, each day, every action (How do I get up the stairs I used to run two at a time a few months ago? How do I shop when I don't have the strength to carry stuff?) I barely made it through school. The disability services and my TAs/profs helped so much. They felt so bad that I had worked back so hard from losing so much time to the AN, only to have it all slip away at the end.
I can't focus on living anymore, only existing. That's hard enough.

>>>>For example, it sounds to me as if your emotional pain manifests itself in your body....Also, it sounds to me as if you might have punished your body and made it somehow external to yourself.

Oh Tamar, that part is so hard to hear. I know how you were saying it -- that emotional trauma can exacerbate existing physical problems -- but I've had versions of that thrown at me by some horribly insensitive, pompous doctors. That I am "too young" to be ill. I've shed so many tears having my situation be invalidated. I would do anything to not be living with this. I would be stronger. I could focus more on the mental stuff. Infact, I have an entirely new perspective on life now. What is important. What is not. I could see myself becoming a different person -- a better one, a more alive one. All that matters is physical health. If only I had my body back. I have to stop wishing for it, cause it's not coming, but I want another chance. I want time to rewind. I want to bypass the eating disorder. I want to know everything I know now, then. I'm just not going to get that chance.

>>>> People who have been abused are often willing to put up with love that is mixed with danger, because they have learned that danger and pain are part of love.

This is embarrassingly true. I don't like talking about it though. But for me, I think I like violence. Sometimes being hurt feels like a hug to me. Better than a hug. I think that's part of the reason why I find it so disturbing to be touched gently. Maybe I'm a masochist. (oh god, I'm so humiliated saying all that. i'm a crazy, disgusting, perverted mess.) ....I was going to say more but it's too hard right now.

>>>> I find it impossible to imagine that youd find it difficult to make friends or find a partner.

I don't really speak to people in person. Once I got sick with the ED, anything remotely social disappeared -- I was too medically unstable, too zombie-like. Now, I can't act, or talk, or relate, or even think like others my age. I'm a 12yr old child in an aging, breaking container. I can't get around well. Most days, it's too tiring to leave the house. It is hard enough getting to my sessions -- it drains me dry.

(((Tamar))), you are so caring. Your posts are so thoughtful and involved. I am trying to think of something I can do. I'm trying, but it's so hard. I'll let you know if I manage to do something nice.

take care of yourself too, EL




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poster:ElaineM thread:669755