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Re: bizarre meeting llrrrpp

Posted by ElaineM on July 25, 2006, at 18:56:31

In reply to Re: bizarre meeting(s) [and llrrrpp] ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 21:27:12

Hi LL: I don't think that I was dissociating -- I do that sometimes. I call it "going into the wall" or "up into the light fixture". This time it felt more like sounds were getting fuzzy (if that makes sense), and slow. I just kept saying in my head over and over, "what do i do. what do i do...."
I've warned him before that I don't know how to act properly in social situations. I don't know how to interact and converse. My brain stops around others.

When I was referred to him, my time with my lady T was up, and she said she thought I really needed to learn how to be around men again. Especially after being in ED programs that were 99% female. I'd spend 6months at a time with only females. (Though to be honest, I have a history that lead me to fear men before the AN started) I full out told him at our first meeting that all I wanted was him to watch me for signs I'd hurt myself and hospitalize me if I was dangerous, and re-fill benzos if I decided to give them another try. We never spoke of life and dreams or goals -- he said it was fine to not have any of those things.

I've never really had longterm goals. Well, maybe one: I always wanted to be a mother. That's it. (Maybe a wife, though I could never imagine who would choose me) That hope died years ago. [Even when I was little, like 8, I never expected to live this long. I always wrote wills and left them beside my bed at night.] So when I look at my life now, I try to not complain more than I can help, because it feels as though I'm already living on borrowed time.

Nobody wants a crazy, unattractive invalid. They didn't think I'd be able to have children, even before the AN -- now they think it's even more unlikely. I've had to grow used to throwing away the idea of a future. It is too painful to think of -- it is better to kill the part of you that wishes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to squash your questions. That's just how I've come to think now.

I think it is true that I'm extrodinarily inept and weak. [I'll write about the mess that happened today, later. I start crying when i think of it] I don't know what I am going to do without him. I hope he doesn't die while away. I hope the part inside of him that thinks I'm good doesn't die. I hope he still wants to speak to me when he comes back. Though after today, I think I know how much he needs me.

Lurp, I'm not offend. Nothing you guys say ever offends me -- I know what's motivating your words. And even if it did, I wouldn't want anyone to apoligize for what they think. I'm used to hearing way worse, and you all have gentle typing voices :-)

EL


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670458.html