Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: bizarre meeting llrrrpp

Posted by ElaineM on July 25, 2006, at 18:56:31

In reply to Re: bizarre meeting(s) [and llrrrpp] ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on July 24, 2006, at 21:27:12

Hi LL: I don't think that I was dissociating -- I do that sometimes. I call it "going into the wall" or "up into the light fixture". This time it felt more like sounds were getting fuzzy (if that makes sense), and slow. I just kept saying in my head over and over, "what do i do. what do i do...."
I've warned him before that I don't know how to act properly in social situations. I don't know how to interact and converse. My brain stops around others.

When I was referred to him, my time with my lady T was up, and she said she thought I really needed to learn how to be around men again. Especially after being in ED programs that were 99% female. I'd spend 6months at a time with only females. (Though to be honest, I have a history that lead me to fear men before the AN started) I full out told him at our first meeting that all I wanted was him to watch me for signs I'd hurt myself and hospitalize me if I was dangerous, and re-fill benzos if I decided to give them another try. We never spoke of life and dreams or goals -- he said it was fine to not have any of those things.

I've never really had longterm goals. Well, maybe one: I always wanted to be a mother. That's it. (Maybe a wife, though I could never imagine who would choose me) That hope died years ago. [Even when I was little, like 8, I never expected to live this long. I always wrote wills and left them beside my bed at night.] So when I look at my life now, I try to not complain more than I can help, because it feels as though I'm already living on borrowed time.

Nobody wants a crazy, unattractive invalid. They didn't think I'd be able to have children, even before the AN -- now they think it's even more unlikely. I've had to grow used to throwing away the idea of a future. It is too painful to think of -- it is better to kill the part of you that wishes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to squash your questions. That's just how I've come to think now.

I think it is true that I'm extrodinarily inept and weak. [I'll write about the mess that happened today, later. I start crying when i think of it] I don't know what I am going to do without him. I hope he doesn't die while away. I hope the part inside of him that thinks I'm good doesn't die. I hope he still wants to speak to me when he comes back. Though after today, I think I know how much he needs me.

Lurp, I'm not offend. Nothing you guys say ever offends me -- I know what's motivating your words. And even if it did, I wouldn't want anyone to apoligize for what they think. I'm used to hearing way worse, and you all have gentle typing voices :-)





Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ElaineM thread:669755