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Re: Partlycloudy

Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:59:04

In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:42:41

And hopefully I'll get to wrap all of this up with a nice little bow and place it off to one side.

And get to learn about... Healthy development. The start off from conception (maybe even before) and track things through. Through to birth. And then infancy and then beyond. Learnign about healthy development. How you want things to go, when all is going well. About the scope and range of human variation. About how things are wobbly sometimes and about little nudges one can do to help them get back on course.

About healthy uses of shame and guilt. About healthy dyads and triads. And of course then the heartbrake of so much f*ck*d up ness in the world. But then just do the best you can.

And I think it will help me come to peace within myself, actually. There is this thing about not letting people with a history of trauma or abuse do it - for their own good. But that doesn't make sense to me. I think it is more culling the pool. I mean, I remember we used to learn that domestic violence wasn't a poor people issue, it knew no social class. But I'm fairly sure that domestic violence being reported to or recorded as having happened is a poor people issue, now, at least. It is only poor people who will have 'abused' or 'abuser' or 'vulnerable child' tagged to them. It's a way of culling the pool on the professional practice programs. Tis all.

I think maybe where I went wrong was saying from the outset that I needed to be done by x date. Because the date was in teh very near future people responded by dragging their heels. If I had have said I had 5 years to get it done they probably would have kicked their own processing work into overdrive. Trouble is that if people train you in opposite and back to front and upside down then you can't function around... The rest of them.

I think maybe where I went wrong was saying anything at all from the outset.

Only I needed to check whether being done by x date was possible. I needed to make it clear on my application.

There comes a time when you just gotta shrug your shoulders. Roll over. And go to sleep.


1) See what the dean says.
2) See what the examiners say (if the Dean sends it to them).
Nothing else I can do.

Did / am doing the best I can / best I could.

In some... From some perspective I do understand this idea that there is something to the... Calmness... Or something to the whole being raised professionally and so on thing. I mean, otherwise, if it were possible for me to turn out okay despite everything my Mother did to me... Then why would anybody treat their kid any different? If they got a kick out of distressing it, I mean. Of course all this was done in an effort to train me to put the clothes on that she left at the end of my bed each and every morning. With no fuss and no complaints. I wear what she wants when she wants because she wants. Even when the girls at school are wearing dresses and I want dresses (so I'm made to wear my brothers old monster t-shirt) or when I want trousers (so I'm made to wear these elaborate china-doll dresses). Or I could wear nothing at all, then. And the shame that overcomes me periodically will somehow make my mother feel victorious!

I'm so glad they didn't let her adopt a baby (just for a while, I like them when they are really really young) this year. She doesn't want a dog or a cat because they aren't contollable in quite the same way. Sigh.

I would really love to learn how things are supposed to go right. And tehn probably help people with their hemmarrhoids, yeah. Because I can know it when I see it and appreciate it. But the more... Formalised... Patient contact and the... Focus of the surgical team (when all goes well and everyone is working together and pulling their weight) would be great. Yeah. For me. To be part of a team of healthy people. For a change.




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