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Re: Partlycloudy

Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 7:13:18

In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:59:04

maybe an odd question... But I wonder how many people have such vivid memories of things that occured to them when they were, like, three.

i wonder if it was because my mother was so good at magnifying (mostly - though occasionally not exclusively) the negative emotions. there is something about emotion encoding. something about how we tend to form vivid episodic memories of emotionally intense experiences.

she genuinely seems oblivious. she's surprised at how i remember things... sometimes she plays dumb. sometimes she says 'you remember that?' genuinely. like she thought she successfully managed to make me forget forever by distracting me. like... i really would have the memory of a fruit fly. doesn't matter what you do to kids when they are young because they won't remember anyway... she did have an element of that to / in her.

only, i do remember. and, since she was the primary source of distress... the only thing that would allow me to break out of the loop... the only way that i could figure out the thing to do that would help me break out of her loop... was for me to ... get away from her. yeah. just get the hell away and never look back.

only you have to so you aren't stuck *re*-acting to it *involuntarily*.

sometimes my initial reactoin is f*ck*d up. the initial-most. but i think most people are like that. that's why it's good to be 'pause' when unsure.

i dropped a glass bottle of ginger beer in the supermarket the other day. went to grab a 4 pack off the shelves with arms loaded of other stuff like you'd grab a 6 pack with your fingers in the holes on top - and one slid out. i managed to clutch the rest of them.

then this girl... maybe 7... 9... was like 'what can i do to help?' and i was like... you can't take the bottles because if you take one the rest will fall... can you take the jar?' and she took the jar. and i was like 'can you take my helmet' and she took my helmet. and i said: if i don't move i won't drop any more. can you go tell someone who works here that theres a mess. i'm worried someone will cut themself on the glass.' and she went off.

only of course i should have said 'can you tell someone who works here that someone dropped a glass bottle of liquid and can they bring a mop?'

because they didn't bring a mop. they brought paper towels and a dust-bin.

but she was a helpful little girl. and she reminded me of what helpful looks like. again.

and why it is that i feel so crazy, sometimes.

but i did good. i did the right things. largely. yeah. while most people look around sheepish. and would have run off.

only i should have stayed and helped the kids who came to clean it up. i apologised a lot. and then i started to say something about putting the wad of towels on the floor and scooting them about with your foot instead of getting down there on your hands and knees... but then i didn't want to be ordering them about... and they were all supplicant. and i felt bad about that.


i hope the dean does send it on to the externals. took me a while but i figured out the person who it should go to. she may well make some reccommendations for some changes. but i think she will be sympathetic of the overall line.

it's hard because the thesis has so mjuch from so many fields now. its truly interdiscipliary. i need someone with a bit of knowledge of law and insurance and ethics and social theory and statistics. ha.




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