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My T. is Too Important To Me

Posted by 10derHeart on September 20, 2005, at 16:14:07

He really is. I seem to be obsessing about this fact lately...(?)

He's been out of town, but only for a week, and he scheduled me right before he left, so the vacation has not been much of a problem. 8 days in between vs. 6 days. I think about how important he is all the time, though, just maybe a bit more lately.

Like how I can't imagine stopping therapy - even when the time comes where we both agree I'm *better,* as far as the things we're working on. Which I already am in many ways, but we still have topics to work on - some of which I've hardly even been able to mention after 10 months (weight, horrible body image, etc.) plenty of work to do.

Like how the relationship with him, even a mere 55 minutes once a week, is far better than anything else IRL. And I try - I do try. I am far less isolated. I have new friends, and share more with my friends....yet nothing even, ever begins to come close. Not even for a few seconds.

It's just's the most important relationship in my life. It's the highlight of my week. I've told him life often feels like just stuff that gets in the way and takes up time between T. sessions...:-( Not good. Don't recall what he said to that one, but I don't think he was surprised, or terribly concerned.

Does continuing to feel this way mean I'm learning nothing? Getting nowhere?

I crave so much and, so far, am not finding any appropriate ways to get any where near enough attention, affection, compassion, listening, time.....nothing from anyone but him. As a result, I am definitely a bottomless pit with him. He says I'm not, and together we'll find the light so I can see there is a bottom to the neediness pit...

I don't think so. I feel like I'm in the "forever therapy camp," yet that doesn't quite sound right either...

It just hurts terribly if I imagine saying goodbye to him ever. So I don't. He has jokingly said I have 11 years...since he promised his family he'll retire at that point.

Sometimes I wonder....should we maybe talk about the process of (how I *hate* this word!) termination now....months (?) in advance, to spread out the pain and loss more, to get a general framework of how that would take place....I don't know. Sounds creepy.

This post has no true point....sorry. I just wanted to sort of throw the thoughts out here and see if anything resonates...or maybe I'm just whining about the nature of therapy itself.




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poster:10derHeart thread:557332