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Re: My T. is Too Important To Me messadivoce

Posted by 10derHeart on September 23, 2005, at 0:16:45

In reply to Re: My T. is Too Important To Me 10derHeart, posted by messadivoce on September 20, 2005, at 20:15:05

> Yikes! You're in the middle of a lot of tought stuff. Termination must seem overwhelmingly terrible, and I don't blame you. When you get to a point of vulnerability, and to where you can discuss the things that have been really hurting, your T becomes a lifeline. Been there.

I dunno. Sometimes I think it's all silly and minor. Like why don't I just get over it. Other times, I see, as my T. likes to refer to it, this wound somewhere, or several of them in me, that neither of us quite understand, where there's a "broken piece" (his words again). He says he wants to find it, to peel back some layers...I dunno. Yeah, he feels like a lifeline mostly, and there's where I get all wrapped up in whether or not that's okay any more...

> You are not ready to terminate, obviously, and it sounds like he IS willing to take 11 more years with you--if that's what it takes. That's so wonderful. So please don't worry about termination right now. At this time it is bound to cause panic.

No, I'm not. Yes, it does feel pretty awful if I imagine it. Maybe not panic, but a sense of wanting to give up on the hard stuff if anything happens to I just won't go through trying to find another relationship like this again...I know you know *all* about that :-(

> And of course, after experiencing such intense closeness with another person, all other relationships are going to pale in least for awhile...but the point of having that closeness with someone in a therapy context is so that you can have a deeper quality in your relationships later down the line, no?

"On paper,", yup, that's supposed to be the point. I just can't see it materializing. There's the way I can be with him, and the way I can be with everyone else. You know I learned my ex-T was completely solid, trustworthy, steady and genuine. Even now, when there is no need, he still is. He's morphed into a quasi-friend with boundaries (whatever that means!) yet still, that is *becasue* he was my T., so it doesn't prove anything. The experience of being trated so kindly and well hasn't translated to any people IRL, not that I can think of. So, why will it change with this T.? I can't keep on with this forever, this practicing closeness in the hope I will get a tiny fraction IRL....I find it an incredibly confusing concept.

> And let me tell you--there is NOTHING like it, even if you have a best friend, even if you get married. It cannot be recreated. That is part of the loss I am learning to deal with. It's the rest of therapy that makes up for this loss--I am talking about the tools your T gives you to live, and yes, to thrive.

If you say so. I know I'm supposed to believe this. I thought I did. But lately I just see me endlessly craving, demanding, insisting on my "fixes" of therapy sessions forever, and living and thriving off that alone.

> I would encourage you to talk about termination--not as a reality thing that will happen "soon" but as something that will happen someday. And talk about everything else that's bothering you too, because if all that is waded through, when the day comes to say goodbye, 11 months or 11 years down the line, you will be ready.

That is a wise reminder. I try and mostly succeed in talking about most things. I'm wavering on even touching the termination topic now or not. On one hand, seems too upsetting to the process at hand. OTOH, seems it could lead to a deeper talk about loss, how and why he's getting more and more important to me - all that scary stuff. Hmm...
> And I would encourage you to ask...why you are afraid to lose him, even 11 years from now. Did you lose someone before? of my very special cans of worms. On a certain day, if you ask me this, you will get the, "well, yeah, but probably way less than most people have lost. No big deal, no reason for me to be so fixated on it, so intense about it, it's a part of life, after all." Then, on another day, you might get the litany of losses I think I've suffered - and how they've changed me profoundly and how now I partly hate myself, because there just must be something inherently defective about me as a person if by age 46 I am yet - still - this alone in life.....oh, don't get me started. This would have to be a separate post...yikes :-(

> There is meaning behind it, I am sure. There is a reason why he means so much to you. And why wouldn't he? He is kind, compassionate, caring and wise. And he fills a need that you haven't had filled before.

Yes. Yes. He can be all that. Yet, it's never enough. Bottomless pit. Talk to me more, care more, notice when I'm sad more often, say more nice things, ask me if I'm okay all the time, offer to shake my hand, take care of me, hug me some day, never leave, never ever, ever do that, love me best of all your clients....see? It really has no end in I now tend to clamp down on all of it more. ouch.

> I don't want to be presumptuous. I feel like I know you well. I am sorry it gives you pain to think about termination.

I don't think you know how to be presumptuous, Voce. You do know me way better than most people. An IRL friend like you would be a blessing straight from God. I'll be okay. Maybe I'm just taking a big, deep breath and gathering strength from Babble before I go back into the therapy-fight. I know it really is worth it, and I really do have to find a way to be okay with leaning on him big time and appreciating him being so important. He's a gift, as are you and all wonderful Babblers. Thanks for all your time writing to me. ((Voce))




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