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Re: My T. is Too Important To Me Ľ 10derHeart

Posted by Tamar on September 20, 2005, at 18:43:32

In reply to My T. is Too Important To Me, posted by 10derHeart on September 20, 2005, at 16:14:07

> He really is. I seem to be obsessing about this fact lately...(?)

OrÖ perhaps your feelings are entirely appropriate for your stage of therapy and in view of whatever youíre working on together.

> He's been out of town, but only for a week, and he scheduled me right before he left, so the vacation has not been much of a problem. 8 days in between vs. 6 days. I think about how important he is all the time, though, just maybe a bit more lately.

Vacations are no fun (for us clients, anyway). Even if itís only an extra two days, thatís still longer than youíre used to going without him.

> Like how I can't imagine stopping therapy - even when the time comes where we both agree I'm *better,* as far as the things we're working on. Which I already am in many ways, but we still have topics to work on - some of which I've hardly even been able to mention after 10 months (weight, horrible body image, etc.) plenty of work to do.

Well, if youíve been seeing him only ten months and you still have plenty of work to do, is there any need to imagine stopping therapy? It sounds as if youíre not ready to think about that yet.

> Like how the relationship with him, even a mere 55 minutes once a week, is far better than anything else IRL. And I try - I do try. I am far less isolated. I have new friends, and share more with my friends....yet nothing even, ever begins to come close. Not even for a few seconds.

I think the closeness of the relationship is part of the deal. And itís great that youíre trying hard and that youíre less isolated. But maybe at this stage itís important to you to feel that your relationship with him is the most important relationship in your life. Itís not unusual (I know Iíve been there!). Iím sure itís giving you something you need at the moment.

> It's just's the most important relationship in my life. It's the highlight of my week. I've told him life often feels like just stuff that gets in the way and takes up time between T. sessions...:-( Not good. Don't recall what he said to that one, but I don't think he was surprised, or terribly concerned.

Well, perhaps heís not concerned because itís completely normal. I imagine itís a good thing in some ways: it probably means that youíre committed to the process of therapy and that youíre working hard on some very important issues.

> Does continuing to feel this way mean I'm learning nothing? Getting nowhere?

Quite the opposite, I would say. I think it means youíre doing everything you need to do and making good progress.

> I crave so much and, so far, am not finding any appropriate ways to get any where near enough attention, affection, compassion, listening, time.....nothing from anyone but him. As a result, I am definitely a bottomless pit with him. He says I'm not, and together we'll find the light so I can see there is a bottom to the neediness pit...

It takes time. Take all the time you need.

> I don't think so. I feel like I'm in the "forever therapy camp," yet that doesn't quite sound right either...

Well, if you are in the Ďforever therapy campí, thereís nothing wrong with that. And if you arenít in that camp, perhaps you just canít imagine life without therapy at the moment. And why should you? You say you still have things to work on, so perhaps youíre not ready to think of life without therapy.

> It just hurts terribly if I imagine saying goodbye to him ever. So I don't.

I think your plan of not imagining it makes perfect sense. Of course it hurts. But unless you have a reason to say goodbye (which you donít at the moment) you might be hurting unnecessarily.

> He has jokingly said I have 11 years...since he promised his family he'll retire at that point.

Ah, I bet you could haggle for 12 or 13. I bet he loves his job Ė of course he does, because he gets to work with you!

> Sometimes I wonder....should we maybe talk about the process of (how I *hate* this word!) termination now....months (?) in advance, to spread out the pain and loss more, to get a general framework of how that would take place....I don't know. Sounds creepy.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Well, OK, maybe I shouldnít be so emphatic. Sorry.) I do think itís important to talk about termination in advance. But I also think that discussion should come when youíre ready to begin to think about ending therapy. If there are issues youíve barely touched on, I donít think youíre likely to be at that point. You will know when youíre ready. Thereís no need to force it.

> This post has no true point....sorry. I just wanted to sort of throw the thoughts out here and see if anything resonates...or maybe I'm just whining about the nature of therapy itself.

I donít think youíve *ever* made a pointless post! Itís true that the nature of therapy involves pain. And I can imagine that your thoughts are turning to termination when he has symbolically abandoned you by going on vacation. But he will come back. And he will be there for you. And Iím sure youíre in his thoughts.


I hope youíre feeling better soon.





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