Posted by Tamar on September 25, 2005, at 16:19:00
In reply to My T. is Too Important To Me, posted by 10derHeart on September 20, 2005, at 16:14:07
Hi 10der,
I’ve just caught up with this thread and I’m amazed at how you articulated some things I’ve been thinking about in a fuzzy way for a while. So thanks for that.
I was thinking about discussing body image with a male T. I talked to my T about it a bit and he was great (though he did make one comment that made me roll my eyes). But I wish I’d talked about it more because it’s a big deal for me. I was just too embarrassed to discuss it most of the time.
I can see why you’d worry about how your T will respond to you. I think you’re right that he’ll understand why it’s so difficult for you. I don’t know that you need to worry too much about his ability to keep his stuff out of therapy; I suspect that body image is something that he’s worked on before with previous clients (it’s not too uncommon).
And his being a man might actually make that part of it easier: he might have some personal experience of some of the issues but he hasn’t experienced it as a woman. And I think it’s different for people who were overweight as kids. I was so skinny in my childhood and teens that people called me ‘Toothpick’ and it’s hard to adjust to the idea that people now see me as obese. That adjustment isn’t an issue for people who were always overweight.
I reckon your T’s inability to deal with his weight doesn’t mean he can’t help you. Maybe he’s decided to accept his body as it is. If you don’t reach the same conclusion, you’ll have a different basis from which to address your concerns about your body.
Do you think it’s possible to start the discussion on paper to avoid saying something bluntly that you don’t want to say? Maybe you could write down something like, “I've decided to try and talk about my feelings with this weight issue. Since you’ve told me about your experiences as a child I hope you can understand, but I’m anxious about how I will feel about the discussion and whether you can help me achieve what I want to achieve.” Or something that feels right to you.
I agree that it feels more personal than talking about sex! And I can totally relate to the feeling that you don’t want him to agree too much or disagree too much. Mind you, when I talked about it with my T he neither agreed nor disagreed. And, oddly, that annoyed me a little bit too. It’s SUCH a sensitive issue…
> If he agrees too much, I'll likely dissolve in tears, being convinced he sees me looking as gross and ugly and I see myself :-(
One thing I’m sure of… No one sees us looking as gross and ugly as we see ourselves.
> The whole topic makes me feel ill. Thanks for writing about it, though, and getting me thinking. Because there's really no avoiding it for much longer, I can feel things just bubbling to the surface....
I’m sorry it makes you feel ill. I hope that you are able to begin to talk about it, because I think ultimately you will feel a bit better about it. It does take time. I’m not yet in a place where I feel comfortable with my body. But I feel so much better than before…
I was thinking as well about what you were saying to Voce about the bottomless pit. I think that’s necessary. You’re allowed to want more. It’s part of the deal. I know you say you tend to clamp down on it, but I really think that doesn’t help. Well, it didn’t help me, anyway. I needed to experience all of it: the longing, the hoping, the desperate desire for more, more, more… And it was only when I began to accept it that it began to be bearable. It’s OK to need your therapist. It’s part of what he’s there for.
(((((10der)))))
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:557332
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050920/msgs/559486.html