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Re: My T. is Too Important To Me Ľ 10derHeart

Posted by Tamar on September 25, 2005, at 16:19:00

In reply to My T. is Too Important To Me, posted by 10derHeart on September 20, 2005, at 16:14:07

Hi 10der,

Iíve just caught up with this thread and Iím amazed at how you articulated some things Iíve been thinking about in a fuzzy way for a while. So thanks for that.

I was thinking about discussing body image with a male T. I talked to my T about it a bit and he was great (though he did make one comment that made me roll my eyes). But I wish Iíd talked about it more because itís a big deal for me. I was just too embarrassed to discuss it most of the time.

I can see why youíd worry about how your T will respond to you. I think youíre right that heíll understand why itís so difficult for you. I donít know that you need to worry too much about his ability to keep his stuff out of therapy; I suspect that body image is something that heís worked on before with previous clients (itís not too uncommon).

And his being a man might actually make that part of it easier: he might have some personal experience of some of the issues but he hasnít experienced it as a woman. And I think itís different for people who were overweight as kids. I was so skinny in my childhood and teens that people called me ĎToothpickí and itís hard to adjust to the idea that people now see me as obese. That adjustment isnít an issue for people who were always overweight.

I reckon your Tís inability to deal with his weight doesnít mean he canít help you. Maybe heís decided to accept his body as it is. If you donít reach the same conclusion, youíll have a different basis from which to address your concerns about your body.

Do you think itís possible to start the discussion on paper to avoid saying something bluntly that you donít want to say? Maybe you could write down something like, ďI've decided to try and talk about my feelings with this weight issue. Since youíve told me about your experiences as a child I hope you can understand, but Iím anxious about how I will feel about the discussion and whether you can help me achieve what I want to achieve.Ē Or something that feels right to you.

I agree that it feels more personal than talking about sex! And I can totally relate to the feeling that you donít want him to agree too much or disagree too much. Mind you, when I talked about it with my T he neither agreed nor disagreed. And, oddly, that annoyed me a little bit too. Itís SUCH a sensitive issueÖ

> If he agrees too much, I'll likely dissolve in tears, being convinced he sees me looking as gross and ugly and I see myself :-(

One thing Iím sure ofÖ No one sees us looking as gross and ugly as we see ourselves.

> The whole topic makes me feel ill. Thanks for writing about it, though, and getting me thinking. Because there's really no avoiding it for much longer, I can feel things just bubbling to the surface....

Iím sorry it makes you feel ill. I hope that you are able to begin to talk about it, because I think ultimately you will feel a bit better about it. It does take time. Iím not yet in a place where I feel comfortable with my body. But I feel so much better than beforeÖ

I was thinking as well about what you were saying to Voce about the bottomless pit. I think thatís necessary. Youíre allowed to want more. Itís part of the deal. I know you say you tend to clamp down on it, but I really think that doesnít help. Well, it didnít help me, anyway. I needed to experience all of it: the longing, the hoping, the desperate desire for more, more, moreÖ And it was only when I began to accept it that it began to be bearable. Itís OK to need your therapist. Itís part of what heís there for.

(((((10der)))))

Tamar


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