Posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
This is my update (not that it matters). Cause some have asked, and the least I can do is reply, cause I appreciate every bmail I get.
Over the Break T was getting really wild with his reactions again, and everything else in my life was making that harder to deal with. Especially when I seemed to have a "secret" from him. And the break itself was really hard. He'd offered extra sessions during his official holidays, which I turned down. Then I wanted to back out of the first meeting of the new year and he freaked out. He offered to go for coffee or wine (which made me lose it - privately of course) instead. He asked if he could come to my place and pick me up if I was cancelling cause I didn't want to commute - If I was afraid to be around others. He doesn't know that he *is* an "other". He asked if I'd consider going to the movies so we could be "closer". I'm always asking him what "closer" means, cause he says it like it's a criticism of me -- cause "being closer" is something that I've turned away from, that I haven't done yet. But he won't ever define what it means - other than that part of it is sharing moments together, and doing stuff with each other so we experience it at the same time. I turned down his offer of going to a concert for Christmas - so he gave a few smaller things instead.
He's just getting so intense again. Emailed on NewYears Eve to say that he'd be "insanely jealous" [in a supposedly "cute" way, not psychotic way] if I followed through and went out to a pub that night. He said he couldn't stand it if some other guy ended up using me. Which made/makes me feel like I'm a disgusting whore -- that I'd just go out and do that! I probably am underneath. But whenever he suggests what he must think my sexual practises are it really makes me think that he believes I sleep with *every* guy on the planet, but him! It's not true at all. I don't even leave the house! I barely walk without looking like an ugly, limping mess! I don't know when he thinks I'd be going out. But he's always assumed stuff like that - forgetting that I spent highschool hiding in my room, and my early twenties learning to feed myself. Plus I'm not thin now, am ugly and dress like a kid. I'd be lucky for any @ssh*le to pick me - it would be generous of them. I would think of it nicely. I don't deserve anyone. It would be luck - not a bad thing. It's fine.
But he said that if i went out newyears that it would prove that I'm purposely trying to sabotage our relationship, and not go any further with therapy. He said if i was gonna get drunk he wanted it to be with him. I tried to explain that it's a hard night for me. [It had been the night I'd picked to kill myself a few years ago.] He said he really [which he wrote alot, and in block] wanted to be with me.
I went back to my sessions right away cause he was so upset, and we read a huge print out he made for me. He called it an "intellectual masturbation" -- which i don't really get as a metaphor -- but still, the sound of it made/makes me want to throw-up. We talked and he kept asking me why I'm trying to force him to send me away. He wrote out three seperate times saying versions of, "you don't want to pull the trigger yourself". That made me ill. Some of the language he uses is f*cked up. His favorite running analogy is that in therapy we are "standing out on a ledge together, clinging to one another".
He said I'm trying to shut everything down, and give up on life, by not allowing myself to be loved. I don't want that kind of love. :'( I don't! He doesn't even know me inside at all! I don't care if that makes me an anti-social, hermit. He says that he'd get in trouble if he followed through on his urges, but then it feels like he's holding it over me. LIke it's only MY fault that we can't be together, and not also a rule he's trying to uphold. I didn't create the rules, but it feels like he blames me for them being there.
But then he apoligizes so sincerely whenever he says things that upset me. Most of the time I don't even say that they do. He just emails stuff, or gives me letters, or says things, and then apoligizes for them next time, of his own accord. And he really does seem so grateful that I talk with him. I wonder if he'd have gotten so upset if I'd never stopped writing diaries for him to read. [one interesting thing is that he's started to connect, outloud, that I stopped writing around the time he went on summer vacation, which is the time his feelings started becoming noticeable to me. He hasn't connected that last part though] He's also said that he's probably gonna stop going to his T, and I'm really worried about that. I don't even think he was going often enough in the first place. I've begged him to not stop going. I said that if he expects me to commit to coming, then he can't NOT do the same thing with his. I don't know though. He hasn't mentioned it again. Part of me just wants to get it all over with. Let it happen so I can stop worrying about it, and he can stop pushing, and wrestling with himself, and being so sad. Part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm already alone and disgusting. It's better to just give, than to be taken from. Sometimes I try and convince myself that it would be good to do. That I'm garbage that even my parents threw away, so if someone else wants me who's not angry and violent, then I should be glad. I know I know I know that's wrong. But I think it anyways! I'm such an embarassing mess.
I also met with LadyT in person for an hour and a bit, before Christmas. But that was about something else that I've been having a hard time living with. I miss her so much. She emailed me once after New Years, and it meant alot. I get to go check-in in person again mid Feb.
So that's the "T part" of what's been going on lately - a significant part but not the biggest. The rest is wearing me down too. I don't really care anymore - sort of. It's too hard and tiring to care. Lately I've just been going with the flow - whereever his mood leads us. He keeps pushing for me to tell him whatever I've been keeping from him. Said he wants to know with me so he can comfort me after and share -- it makes me feel sick to think of. But I've kinda just given up.
One day last week he started crying when talking about "me" and my childhood and how I am now -- but I know it was really *him* he was talking about, and that's what brought his tears. He always refers to "we" -- says we're so similar, pasts and now. But I had no idea what to do then. I thought of going over to him to hug him or something, but everytime I tried to visualize it I felt my stomach lurch into my throat. He's so weak and fragile. I feel like a vat of poison corroding him with my stubborness and coldness.
Yesterday we talked about how upset it makes him that I've let our emails dwindle down. He says he doesn't like not hearing what's in my head. Said he likes having my 100% attention when an email he sends gets me to reply. Says that if I try and write longer responses more that it could be an example of how I could get "closer" to him now. I don't think I can fabricate stories or things just to be writing him something - it's so much pressure in a way. I don't know what to do. I didn't write again now since our last meeting so he's probably gonna be upset or p*ssed off tomorrow. *sigh*
...Just another variation of the same sh*t I always write about. Sorry if I don't update much. It just doesn't seem like there's a point. And it's hard. I don't feel like doing anything at all these days. But it's nothing personal towards this site or the people - I'm afraid of nearly everyone these days. It's all me. Plus I think everyone reading here thinks I'm disgusting and stupid because I'm weak, a crybaby and a b*tch. I do tend to make people hate me -- I'm not very good with people or social things. So I'd understand, but it does tend to make me afraid to post, and even read, sometimes. Sorry if my subjects are pathetic or offensive. And sorry for when I'm in hiding or lazy.
Thanks for listening (and asking).blove EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721410.html