Posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 23:09:17
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH » ElaineM, posted by Scentedgarden on January 11, 2007, at 19:18:56
>>>>> I would think of it nicely. I don't deserve anyone. It would be luck - not a bad thing. It's fine.
>>PLease dont think like this about yourself , as it's just not true..it would not be fine!!!I have a hard time caring about myself. I hate myself. And I care even less about my body than any other aspect of me. I always figure I've abused it myself (with the AN) worse than anyone else before or now. The Before's never left lasting damage. Plus my body is so useless and broken down and painful. I hate it. I'm sorry my T sounds like an ex boyfriend of yours. That must've been a confusing relationship to say the least. The thing with me is that my T is very different from any other man who's been in my life. No man has ever been so weak around me. I almost feel stronger than him -- and that's an unsettling feeling for me. It makes me really nervous. I'm used to something quite different, and I think that's why I'm so confused and reluctant to leave. He's never ever loud, never violent. I don't want to be the person who's the one who hurts the other.
>>>>>This is awful stuff from this guy....his intellectual masturbation...! the man is a screw ball
I still kinda don't know what that meant. But I wonder if that's a way that would be normal for him to speak with a male buddy. I sometimes feel that he see's me in multiple ways: both a peer, a mother substitute, a daughter, and the other thing. That's what causes the craziest reactions in my head. I can't stand when I can feel him putting me in more than one of those roles in a meeting. He should know, instinctly, how f*cked up that is. It makes me question everything from the past few months (since summer). Maybe I misunderstood when he's said "romantic" stuff before. And then wanting to be like a parent to me would be alright. But he's started saying all the same "love you" stuff again, and it makes me feel gross.
>>>>>>This man is seriously f*cked up and neds to be shut down from practise immediateltLY
See, that's something else that's very difficult for me. I'm positive that I'm the only client he's so strange with. I know alot of other people depend on him. I've seen some of his clients when I stay even longer than I'm supposed to. [I hate it, but he likes when we go extra long sometimes, cause it means we were being "close".] I know all about his family, his children. I couldn't ruin his life, and all those who's intertwine with his. Even if I liked myself, and loved life, I am not worth inflicting that much upset on others.
>>>> do not go to that place with that man..if you did it would probably destroy you in the end...so plz dont give in...
Usually it's only a fleeting thought. Once I really thought I was gonna do something, the first time he started crying about his stuff infront of me. But it was more of a panic reaction. I wouldn't do anything. He'd have to, and he's so shy and sad that I can't imagine him being forceful. So I'm sure it will never happen.
>>>>>IM SO GLAD YOU MET A LADY T....Cn you start to see her more...and this nutcse of a man less?
why do you have to wait till feb to see her again..?
She's my old T from a few years ago. I have to wait cause I can't see her too much in a year, or too close together, cause that's all her organization will allow without considering what we're doing "therapy". It's only supposed to be an "update", to provide continuity, not help work on things. Also, she doesn't charge for these rare meetings (not just for me, but her other prior patients too).
>>>>i hope youre not upset with what ive asked you to think about, or what ive said about this weed from hell..if ive upset you i apologise a million gizzillion times...
No, not upset. I just question myself when I read strong emotions -- I wonder if I've mislead you somehow. I guess it just comes back down to me not being able to see T the exact same way as everyone else. It sounds like you know what hurt is, and that's why you care so much.
I'm glad you have a T who respects your right to boundaries. Thanks for writing me. The voices of you guys here is really all I have other than his voice (which is saying the oppostie). You take care too.
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721536.html