Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 11:59:41
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » ElaineM, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2007, at 20:41:25
>>>>>Is this what you want in a suitor? People are at their best when they're wooing, and this doesn't sound all that best.
I guess not. I've never really had a "suitor" though. I don't think I've ever had anyone be their "best" with me. It's okay, cause I've never expected it. I don't know why but I've always been more comfortable with strong, domineering, almost cruel (which sounds really sick) males. It sounds dumb but it actually scares me (or something) when I see men be weak - maybe it's just me being afraid of having to be "strong" myself.
I wouldn't want to date him. But it's also hard for me not to rationalize that at least his "not best" is not his worst. Or more so, that his "not best" isn't as bad as other's "not best". He hasn't forced anything yet. He never yells, or swears. He never tells me how ugly or stupid or sh*tty I am. He doesn't tell me what to wear, or what to eat. (THe only thing he's said is I could maybe try and lose some weight cause it might help with my physical problems, and would probably make me feel better emotionally. That was hard at first cause it's been years since someone approached dieting from that side with me, and cause my old Boyf before AN used to tell me what I shouldn't eat and how much I should work out. But I'm more alright with T's weightloss comments now). He doesn't care how I wear my hair, or what color it is. All he is is perhaps too caring and too emotional. It's so damn hard to see him as bad then -- even though I know that what he's doing is technically wrong.
>>>>>>I know you've been having trouble finding someone to be your therapist, but don't give up.
I'm kinda tired of telling people. I've told psych center pdoc, ladyDoc, LadyT, crisis counsellor, and a help organization worker (in person). And nothing came of it. If anything (except for LadyT) telling all those others made it worse because the hour or so of feeling helped (as I was talking to them) disappeared once they told me that they couldn't see me themselves and to keep looking elsewhere. To feel something "good" only to lose it makes the hurt even worse -- even though it was the exact same place I was in *before* I told. It's too much disappointment. ANd to go back to being alone with it all afterwards makes my feelings of guilt for betraying Him so much worse.
I'm not giving up altogether, but I'm focusing more on increasing what I can endure. I'm proving to myself that I'm stronger than I know. T always says that I'm good at doing what I need to to get by. I want to learn to be even stronger and untouchable.
thanks (((dinah)))
blove, El
poster:ElaineM
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721952.html