Posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:15:02
In reply to Re: To ALL-just a thot, how best » muffled, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 12, 2007, at 12:35:17
>>>>>>>Some weeks ago you sounded like you had more strength, like you felt more independent and sure of yourself.
A few months ago I think I did. I don't think it's just your "gloss" :-) But I can't remember why I felt that way, I can't really remember what it felt like -- only that I'm pretty sure that your remark was true. I'm confused, cause end of Nov was when I was still during a really bad physical phase. I can't remember that far back. I tend to forget things as soon as they happen though - kinda like my life behind me is blank. I guess I learned that there's a bit less to worry about, and be upset over that way.
>>>>>>The day to day goal of having something to get you out of your home and a reason to interact with another human being is very natural and very human. Is this one of the reasons why you are still going to see your "t"?
Ya, I think I mentioned some of that in the reply to Karolina. I think someone only counts as being alive if someone would miss them when they are gone. He's the only one in my real life who I think would (or at least first. My sister would notice at some point, though I think T would be most effected emotionally). I really think every T will seem uncaring now -- when they are only acting normal for them. It took a long time for me to be able to even look LadyT in the eyes when we had our meeting before Christmas. And I still questioned trusting her during, and worried about it after. Part was the subject matter, part my emotional state, but part was also that she sounded so different from T now - even minus his excessive self-disclosure.
>>>>>>>And why you will continue to read e-mails and other things?
I do that part cause he says it makes him sad when I don't, that he looks forward to when I respond to his messages. He says it means alot to him, and it makes him feel very far away from me when I have days when I don't. I've been terrible with it lately - just can't bring myself to do it. I sent one today after five days! That's the longest I've ever gone without answering. I felt so bad so I sent one out this morning.
>>>>>>Does it help you when we point out some of the contradictory things you write about? Or does it just make you feel bad?
No it doesn't make me feel bad. I'm aware that in terms of T there's two sides of me -- the part who's quiet and facilliating and supportive during sessions, and the part that breaks down later here and rips him apart. *sigh* But as far as believing in the "good" parts of me -- the only thing I ever believe is that I try to be good and kind, and don't like others hurting. Other than that, it's kinda impossible for me to think I'm anything but the cr@p I think I see and am. (I know that's stubborn, I'm sorry. Self-image and appearance were things i was supposed to be working on with LadyT.)
>>>>>>Well, no matter what, sometimes the most important support is knowing that you have witnesses. When you start to question your own sense of reality, your own memory of things-- you have an archive in your witnesses who can gently lead you back on course. If you've got the stomach to read your old posts (I can't read mine. too icky.) then you may even be able to see some patterns there too.
I am glad that I'm not so completely alone - that you guys know and listen and ask. I question my reality and memory all the time. You didn't say anything wrong, so don't worry. It's nice to read stuff from you. Though I'm not sure I could go back and read my old threads without being humiliated and regretful. THanks for helping.
blove El
poster:ElaineM
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/722027.html