Posted by caraher on July 23, 2006, at 18:19:08
In reply to He's leaving ****triggers****, posted by ElaineM on July 23, 2006, at 16:29:16
> I feel bad flooding my silly personal cr@p over the board -- It's one thing to sink myself, but another to drown others. I know that's kinda what this place is for, but I can't help feeling guilty. [thanks c for explaining otherwise]
there's nothing silly about it at all! Nobody is drowning in your misery except you. And we want to hear how you are really doing and feel that we have a small purpose ourselves if we can help at all!
> Over the last week and a half, my body has collapsed and I'm in agony nearly 24hours a day.(((Elaine))) That sounds truly awful! I don't know anything (at least not that I remember right now) about the details of your medical problems, but I hope there's nothing irreversible about your new misery. I know you say your body is "broken" and will stay that way, but it sounds like this is an abrupt turn for the worse. I hope things get much more bearable at least!
>I've lost someone I cared for infinately more than my actual mother! [I feel disgusted with myself for saying that, but it's true]
Please be kind to yourself! You're just stating a fact about your emotions; you're being honest. It may be sad that you don't feel closer to your mother, but I doubt you'd tell me or anyone else here I was disgusting because I felt much closer to someone else!
> My T is leaving on vacation now. I asked him if he will be in phone contact and he said, "No, I don't think that can be arranged." I'll never have been so thoroughly alone!! I've grown used to no husband, no friends, no family support, but that only inflated the importance of my physician and T (and recently, you guys). Everyone is leaving!!!
It's not permanent. And someone will always be here online!
> The scariest thing is I'm physically stranded. I can't leave my place. I don't have anyone to help me if I needed to go to the hospital.
I hope I don't sound like a smart-*ss, but don't they have ambulances where you are?
It sounds as if you are reluctant to go beyond just one or two people for help, and of course you feel helpless if one or both happen to be unavailable. Perhaps you can take this vacation as an opportunity to find out that there are other people in the world willing to help you. Maybe there's a church group that would be willing to have a member drop by once a day just to check how you're doing? I admit that I don't know all the details of your living situation and your community, but I do know that your doc and your T are not the only people capable of doing things for you. Reaching out for help is awfully hard to do, but what have you got to lose?
> It is a comfort having him in my life cause I always imagine him looking out for me if I end up in the hospital (not letting the other doctors ignore me or treat me poorly cause I'm a nobody).
Who says you're a nobody? You're not a nobody! If a doctor ever treats you like a nobody that doctor is to blame, not you!
> That's so selfish! I'm such a sneeky user! I use him more than he uses me, and I don't deserve him!
That isn't selfishness - it's fear. It's perfectly natural to want someone who can protect you from what you fear.
As far as your "using" him, it's sad to see you say he uses you, no matter how you rank the relative degrees of "using." Nobody should ever feel "used" by their T - period! I fully agree that you don't deserve him - you deserve far better!!! The very fact that his taking a vacation leaves you feeling this desperate suggests that he may not be all that healthy for you.
A good therapist would want you to be more independent than that. Maybe he's actually trying to help you. Perhaps that's why he doesn't want to promise to call you or give an emergency contact - because he wants you to learn that life goes on without him?
> And crying makes me look even uglier! (I even feel like you guys can see my tears through the screen. Dumb!) He says he wants to prove to me that he'll miss me but I'm sure he will be glad to leave. I always make men hate, or leave. I wish I was beautiful and smart and lovely.
Elaine, I have no idea what you look like, but I know you're smart and lovely from what you've written here. Look at your (misplaced) concern for bringing others down with your problems! Consider the satisfaction you take in helping others. And notice how well you write, even in your current pain. Perhaps you don't have much "skin-deep" beauty these days, especially through your illness - though I'd guess you see yourself in a "funhouse mirror" distortion that others don't. But whether or not you lie to yourself when you look in the mirror, know that you are beautiful even through the pain, problems, worries, etc.
Please continue to let us know how you're doing!
poster:caraher
thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/669787.html