Posted by Karen_kay on December 30, 2003, at 14:41:28
Why is it after every session I come home and have the urge to call my therapist and say, "Can I come back in and have a do-over. Just one more chance to say the things that I didn't say when I was in there, that I needed to say. The things I always deny and lie about. The things that I don't want anyone to know. Please, just give me another chance."
But, the next week comes, and I have every intention of saying these things again. But, when I get home I find that I want to pick up the phone and have the exact pretend conversation again.
I did have a good session today though. He was being direct (his word, I prefer to call it mean). I thought I was going to cry, so I blacked out for about 15 minutes. He took that as me exerting control, controlling the situation. I took his statement as calling me domineering and arrogant. After that, he explained that he didn't call me back because he was busy and knew if it was an emergency he knew I would call back. He thought I was testing my boundaries by calling him and heard my dog in the background and mistook it for laughter. (HUH???) I then told him he isn't supportive and that is why I am hesitant to "get into things" during the session. His rebuttal was that he's been tempted several times to give me a hug when I've been on the verge of tears.
I know he's not a mind reader. But today he proved it for sure. I'm just so tired of coexisting with my boyfriend. I've even given up trying to pretend that everything is fine. I've quit having sex with him as an obligation. I've quit cleaning my house spotless as a tool to prove I can keep it together. I've even allowed laundry to accumulate (a big no-no in my book, I used to wash clean laundry to create a full load). But, I am still not able to relax. My teeth are grinding even more. And I'm still shaking. Is this a step forwards or backwards?
poster:Karen_kay
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/294726.html