Posted by Karen_kay on January 3, 2004, at 22:42:45
In reply to (Long) He's not suppose to ask leading questions » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 1, 2004, at 14:07:41
I wish I knew how to flood my memories, or lack of. I've tried looking at photos, but I only end up feeling anxious. And when I think about things, not even consciously, I only feel anxious. Nothing else. Not anger, not saddness, NOTHING!! Just anxious! I just want that to go away, I'd be fine if it were replace with some sort of emotion. I'd feel human. Then sometimes I do feel angry, but towards my therapist, not him. That bothers me. Maybe because my therapist is the one who brought all of this up (not to say that he brought it up, but he brought it out).
But, the thing is that he doesn't let it go. In the last session he was being "direct" and I was sitting there taking it and he said "But you control the session and you can tell me to stop if you want to and that's how this relationship is different than the one you had with him. You can speak up and say no and I'll stop if you want me to." And I did want him to but I just don't think he realizes how very similar I see him to a father and I just couldn't tell him to shut up. I just wanted him to stop. I wanted to disappear. It jsut felt like the exact same thing all over again. The same thing I go through with my boyfriend when he wants to have sex and I just can't say no, even though I want to say no. I just can't speak. My voice just won't let me. And the experience is so horrible. It isn't that I'm not assertive.
poster:Karen_kay
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/296183.html