Posted by fallsfall on January 5, 2004, at 14:54:49
In reply to Re: (Long) He's not suppose to ask leading questions » fallsfall, posted by Karen_kay on January 4, 2004, at 20:26:16
"But you control the session and you can tell me to stop if you want to and that's how this relationship is different than the one you had with him. You can speak up and say no and I'll stop if you want me to."
Karen,
I know this is so hard for you. He makes you feel like the little kid, with him the nasty adult. You shouldn't have to feel like the little, abused kid any more (you shouldn't have been abused at all...). The only way that you will get out of that role, though, is to fight your way out. You ARE a fighter. You have lots of guts. You need to use those talents now to tell the abusive adult that you won't let him do that to you any more.
Karen, this IS transference. You see him as controlling and cruel. But in reality he isn't. In reality he wants to help you. But because you learned so well when you were little that you would be controlled, you have put him into that role. You are playing the role you learned so well, and have put him in the role that you are so used to seeing.It's almost like we can't see other people any other way. This is the way we have learned to see life - for you being little and controlled, for me always being wrong no matter how hard I try. Your transference with your therapist is different than my transference with my therapist because we had different experiences when we were little. I was never good enough, so now, even as an adult, I keep trying and trying but I'm still never good enough. That is how I learned to live my life - never good enough. But in order for me to be "never good enough", I need someone who will be critical - who will want more than I can do. So I put my therapist in that role. I search his face for signs of disappointment, I listen to his tone of voice for frustration or exasperation - and I find those things, even if they aren't really there. When he winces, maybe it isn't that he is disappointed in me, maybe he has an ingrown toe nail. When he sounds frustrated, maybe it isn't that I'm not doing the right thing, maybe his daughter wouldn't listen when he gave some good advice that morning. Maybe I'm seeing things that either aren't there, or certainly aren't as bad as I make them. But *I* am so used to being "not good enough" that it actually makes me comfortable to see these things - because it leaves me in a world that I understand.
For me, the solution is to hear him tell me that he's not disappointed, that I'm not failing - and to find a way to believe him. I guess I started to wonder why would he lie to me (and tell me that he wasn't disappointed in me)? What did he have to gain from that? I couldn't think of a reason, but if I was able to trust that he was a good person and a good therapist, then maybe I could believe that he was telling me the truth. And maybe I'm NOT disappointing him. Maybe I'm not intrisically "bad". Maybe I'm really OK, and either some people in my past have not recognized that truth, or maybe I misread their signals, too. When I could believe that he wasn't disappointed - that it was possible for me to NOT disappoint him - then I could see that I had been looking through my own filters instead of being able to see what was really true. But the first time I believed that he wasn't disappointed wasn't enough, nor the second, I think we've done it three times now, and I know we'll do it again and again. But now when I start to think he must be disappointed in me I stop and try to look beyond my filters to see what is really true - and at this point, I still have to ask him "You aren't disappointed in me, are you?". Then he looks at me like I have 3 heads and says "Why in the world would I be disappointed in you?". Some day I won't have to ask anymore.
So, what does this have to do with you? You have filters, too. Your filters are different from mine. Your filters say that the other person will continue to make you unhappy, even though they know that you want them to stop. You are so convinced that they will continue making you unhappy that you think that it is completely futile to ask (or tell) them to stop what they are doing. But, Karen, not everyone is like the people in your past who wouldn't stop making you unhappy. Your therapist has told you that he will stop *if you ask him to*. All you have to do is ask. And he will stop. You need to know that *your* requests matter and that people will listen. So tell him to stop. And he will prove to you that your requests matter. Let him prove that to you. Let him prove to you that when you ask him to stop that the world gets better instead of worse. Take a chance with him, and see if it works. I bet it will.
And, if you are at all like me, the high you will feel when your "Stop" makes a difference will blow your socks off.
poster:fallsfall
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/296787.html