![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 10 to 34 of 106. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2018, at 20:57:09
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2018, at 20:47:56
and then at the end of the day they will probably make me `improve' my work by repeating myself over and over and over and over and over to `help the reader' because they seem to assume that the reader can't refer themself back to the introduction which tells the reader what will be done in what chapter. that's right, the reader wants everything spelt out for them because the reader lacks the capacity to have a... reaching... inquiring mind... trying to understand...
and so it will be crafted into something appropriately... tedious.
eventually, if all goes well, it will be indistinguishable from something produced by a computer algorithm. it will consist all and only of sentances lifted from other publications (all suitably referenced of course) in an effort to say precisely nothing over and above what has been said before.
because it will result in so many jobs for the people if all the jobs are that one.
and the suicides will help keep the numbers down. you don't need to worry abotu contraception or abortion you can literally let things be self-selecting...
ugh.
Posted by Clearskies on September 14, 2018, at 22:39:33
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2018, at 20:57:09
Aw, Alex, you are so frustrated! You operate on a different level of intelligence, obviously, than your thesis whoozit lady. Im sorry you have to go through this.
I resume my brain zapping on Monday for a final three weeks. Its claimed to do no harm. Well, I guess Ill find out. So far so good. My mood is starting to come around to agree that Im not depressed as well. Im very impressed, especially given my skepticism for the efficacy of the treatment. (Can the placebo effect overcome that?)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 6:42:36
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 14, 2018, at 22:39:33
> Aw, Alex, you are so frustrated! You operate on a different level of intelligence, obviously, than your thesis whoozit lady. Im sorry you have to go through this.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it is that. It might be. I thought she was... Immune... To the gossip brigade. To start with I was like... She's testing me. Because she's trying to train my other panelists (more junior staff). Only, I don't think that is it. And then I'm remembering... And mutual friends... Who were friends of mine... But who did like to get together and gossip (whereaas I really did not)... And I see that she's part of that, yeah.
And one of the guys who is on my panel who took several weeks to read chapter one... To make suggestions... And one of the suggestions was that he thought I was saying that homosexuals should be eliminated from society (because, yeah, I'm totally all bigoted like that, he totally nailes me). And so I can't even hint at what I'm going to say later because he's going to want everything spelled out already at the time... And then my whole crafting...
And suggesting things... Different. For the sake of suggestions...
Is not how things get finished. And it's not my fault that he only got to comment on one chapter. But if he can't keep up...
And I'm done with people telling me to `slow down'. I'm hitting on 40 and people are now starting to say 'it's too late'. Well: more fool me. yeah, I really don't think so. The externalisation psychopath to me is kicking into gear.. Because.. Well.. What the f*ck do people expect when they treat you like an idiot piece of sh*t for so long... Just because they can. Tee hee. More fool me? Yeah... Sure. Something like that...
> So far so good. My mood is starting to come around to agree that Im not depressed as well. Im very impressed, especially given my skepticism for the efficacy of the treatment. (Can the placebo effect overcome that?)Well that is good. Think about placebo response (and I am not saying that this is placebo response).. But think about placebo response... Is that it is actually pretty darned effective (compared to no treatment). Which is another way of saying that a significant number of people report very genuine improvement. That is why we are so keen to control for it. Because placebo response really is *that good*. It's freaking hard to develop a treatment or a medication that can match it.
But, of course, what works as a placebo for you... Or for me... Might be a bit different. I don't know. I bet a lot of work has been done on how to maximise placebo response (rather than how to eliminate it or control from it). Because it really is *that good*.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:17:12
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 14, 2018, at 22:39:33
> You operate on a different level of intelligence, obviously...
I didn't like reading that. It sounds... Arrogant. To think that. But, what if it is true? Then it isn't / can't be arrogance, I don't think. Unless I misunderstand arrogance.
I was at the pool yesterday and watching the kids on the diving boards while I was doing joint manipulations / stretching of my feet right at the end. One of them started yelling `I did it! I did it! I did it!' after doing something off the dive board. I missed what she did, honestly. I didn't have any context for it. My natural response was 'nobody likes a braggart', though.
I think about my life... And I think about how in my life I have joined with others in celebrating others achievements. And how I've genuinely felt some happiness and joy for them that things are going well for them and... Empathised... With their successes in life. Like... How a little kids want parents to do that with / for them when they watch them play sport...
And I think about those same people... And about how they seem to prefer it when things go badly for me. Getting this in on time required a lot of hard work from me. I did it. And people's response is denial 'no - you didn't'. And people's response is to accuse me of arrogance 'it isn't good enough' (they haven't even read it!).
All my time in NZ... I didn't manage to find anyone to... Actually care about me, here. That's how that feels... Seems to me.
My supervisor wants to tell me what I can do to help others want to help me. Instead of getting them off-side and deciding that they have nothing better to do with themselves than work to undermine me.
I guess I'll say 'sure, you let me know what you think about that'.
I suspect I already know what the answer to that is, already: Stay with them in their swampy swamp perfectly attuned to the slightest little thing they need from me. Sparkle in the eyes. Check. Empathy sad. Check. Indignation on behalf. Check.
Which would leave an empty shell of me.
Check.
Not sustainable.
If there was... Intellectual curiosity and delight and wonder and joy and so on then I'd find... Nourishment... In partaking. But otherwise... Not. It's exhausting. For me.
Happy Birthday.
Posted by Clearskies on September 15, 2018, at 20:27:11
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » Clearskies, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:17:12
I said that because in hears past I have felt so very stupid while posting to or responding to you. Ive gotten over that feeling. Its me, not you. But Ive not been educated formally beyond high school, know nothing of academia. I didnt mean to upset you. I meant it as a tribute. Backfired.
My birthday was spent prepping for a colonoscopy. Im having some surgery in early October, after the TMS treatments conclude.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:51:09
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » Clearskies, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:17:12
I ran into the cleaner of the res hall I was in last year, in the supermarket.
She was awful. She would want to yak yak yak yak yak for ages. And all the yak would be complain this and gossip that. It would be all `I'm not doing good / well' for this, that, and the other reason.
Anyway, she was looking terrific. She was looking a good 10 years younger for having retired. But she was same old same old full of complaints.
She complained that she didn't feel welcome back there, anymore. She would go back and hang out with the people for morning tea, you see.
But the trouble would have been that she would have made morning tea 40 minutes of yak yak yakking about her and everything wrong with her and how awful everything is.
Every morning there would be like a 40 minute slot or whatever where she's hover around the stair well so you simply couldn't avoid her if you wanted to get down for breakfast.
Every week day morning you would have to deal with her as the first person you saw when you left your room. And she'd have a complain about how all her towels were going missing or about how the boy across the hall was leaving his room in such a state or about how...
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww x. Pooooooooooooor you. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you.
Guilt. Shame. Pity. These were the emotions she would try and induce in you to get you back to Awwwwwwwwww x. Poooooooooor you. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you.
That was my mother all over. Awwwwwwwww x. That's okay. We can do whatever you want because you want. Sympathy vibes for you. Sympathy vibes for you.
And so she'd get to do whatever she wants.
Which was mostly not her job. I mean, she would not do her job. Vacumming... She would leave crap everywhere. She would not take out rubbish. She would not take leftover clothes from the laundry to the lost property. She would put her cleaner rags and cloths in the washer when she left for the day -- expecting someone else to move her washing out of the machine into the dryer and then into her laundry basket... in other words, she was creating *more* work for everyone else while *she was getting paid for it*.
I told her not to bother cleaning my room. Because if she told me she was vaccuming it weekly - and she wasn't... Then I might get sick from dust mites that feast off my skin flakes (not that I said it quite like that). But if I vaccumed it myself - then I'd know it had been done. Because she was lying about doing it. You can run your hands across the carpet (you surely can in my room) and get hair... I know my hair shed rate and I can tell if it's been vaccumed or not.
That was a good win for her, huh. Less work to do and more time for yak.
But then I think to myself... Why not simply fire her and hire someone competent? She does deserve a living wage because she is a person. But she is incompetent at that particular job. She needs to be doing something as part of a team where there is no opportunity for her to yak. maybe something involving something noisy. welding. i don't know. i don't know. but whatver it is... not that...
I wonder who cleans operating rooms. Or whether the surgeons gotta do that themselves. I bet in much of the world, the surgeons gotta do that themselves. Everything yourself. As much as you can of everything yourself. Because other people... Yak yak yak yak yak. pooooooor you. Empathy vibes for you. Empathy vibes for you. Empathy vibes for you.
There was this whole surgical checklist thing that was supposed to help. The idea was that at the start of the surgery... Day? Or every operation? Or every staff change? Everybody says what their name is and what their job is. To remind themself to focus on doing their job, you see. To say it out loud there. Right at the start.
Only... Apparently now there is some discussion about a checklist that needs to be done before the checklist. Because the staff buy-in still... Not there.
Of course I understand you don't finish an operation and go `I did it!' Maybe you did do - part of it - but the thing simply couldn't get done without everybody doing their job.
It's obvious.
But with the thesis. One person writing a book... Of course they are influenced by the ideas around them...
But you gotta go away from other people to do that. And most people can't. Most people seem driven by going about the place inducing others to go 'empathy vibes for you, empathy vibes for you, empathy vibes for you' on demand.
Which is... Energy draining. For me.
It's about being emotionally sensitive. Eh, PC? It's about feeling what others are feeling. Catching some of their vibe. It can be hard to develop the... Maturity to repond to that in a... I don't know the word... Complimentary way. It's a way that acknowledges the feeling and shows you something related for it to morph into. It provides... A way... Out... Or... Along...
I see some Mothers have it for their kids. Infants, even. The way they respond to their... Grizzles. Communications. The mother is responsive to their needs. Is it feeding time? It is sleeping time? There is a predictable schedule of events in an infants life... You can work out which it's likely to be... And the infant will communicate when it's time for the next event. In increasing degrees of... Insistance. You don't need to let them wind up to a state of upset before you respond to them 'demanding little arrogant little! thinks they know themself better than i do!!!! who do they think they are!!!'
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:59:23
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:51:09
it's like...
trying to play a team sport when all the individuals are focused on running after the ball instead of holding their field positions so they can play their part.
Posted by Clearskies on September 15, 2018, at 21:49:06
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:59:23
> it's like...
>
> trying to play a team sport when all the individuals are focused on running after the ball instead of holding their field positions so they can play their part.
Yes.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 23:02:33
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 15, 2018, at 21:49:06
> > it's like...
> > trying to play a team sport when all the individuals are focused on running after the ball instead of holding their field positions so they can play their part.> Yes.
yes. thanks, pc :) you are good for me to talk to.
i know... she didn't know what her job description was. and neither did the people who were the boss of her. they didn't appreciate anything she did right. they also didn't appreciate that she went over and above what could reasonably be asked of her time and time and time and time and time and time again... and that, sometimes, this was why she didn't have time left to get to the things that... were supposed to be her job.
she did need a hand. she did need someone to say 'if he left stuff all over his floor then don't vaccum his floor. if it is possible for you to leave him a note saying if you want your floor to be vaccummed then leave your floorspace clear on such and such a day' then that is all can be reasonably expected of you.
and it would be better if she had 2 sets of rags and cleaning cloths. so that she could wash one days load first thing the following day (and get washing done and out of the washing room during the day time when most of the people are out).
and while the industrial strength cleaning stuff is nasty for her to work with there needs to be some kind of compromise so she isn't using her own products she purchased from the supermarket. because that stuff is for home and not for commercial use. it isn't designed to be used in residental student halls...
but none of this is my job.
and it is when you are trying to get a good team. you are partly responsible for making that. i do get that. i do. and i also get that it is really common for people to not see and appreciate some of the... unseen... things that people do. like putting things in the steraliser and not just giving them a quick little wipe with their hanky.
but i was paying to live in the residental hall. i wasn't been employed by the hall at all. i wasn't having my rent subsidised for me to play any kind of role in any of that.
and when i did bring things to the attention of managers whose job it was... they were completely dismissive of me. i mean, literally. when i said it would be good to wipe doorhandles and hand rails with disinfectant occasionally i got a `rubbish rubbish there are germs everywhere and if you wipe them the germs will only come back' type of response. in favor of never wiping these things. not even during times of... flu epidemic. in residential halls...
so...
i will see what she says. i don't want to be domineering... only... i'm starting to see that you actually have to be. like the scrubs episode where doctor cox tried to be JDs friend and then JD didn't listen to him when he said something important.
i guess... partly it is about how much you want to get your team members doing tehir job by trying to get them to do it by way of inducing shame and guilt in them.
?
no... i think i refuse to play that game.
there does need to be a forum for them to be heard. yes. a checklist... could be undermining of that. i do see that.
but i also need to be on a team where people are focused on team outcome. not on undermining the team outcome for their own ends.
i think my supervisor... and the dean... are testing me.
i choose to believe.
(((pc)))
i am glad you are here.
how many treatments do you have left? are you still feeling more functional?
Posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 0:01:25
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 23:02:33
> > >
> yes. thanks, pc :) you are good for me to talk to.
>
Thanks>
> but none of this is my job.
>
> and it is when you are trying to get a good team. you are partly responsible for making that. i do get that. i do. and i also get that it is really common for people to not see and appreciate some of the... unseen... things that people do. like putting things in the steraliser and not just giving them a quick little wipe with their hanky.
>
> but i was paying to live in the residental hall. i wasn't been employed by the hall at all. i wasn't having my rent subsidised for me to play any kind of role in any of that.
>
> and when i did bring things to the attention of managers whose job it was... they were completely dismissive of me. i mean, literally. when i said it would be good to wipe doorhandles and hand rails with disinfectant occasionally i got a `rubbish rubbish there are germs everywhere and if you wipe them the germs will only come back' type of response. in favor of never wiping these things. not even during times of... flu epidemic. in residential halls...
>
> so...
>
> i will see what she says. i don't want to be domineering... only... i'm starting to see that you actually have to be. like the scrubs episode where doctor cox tried to be JDs friend and then JD didn't listen to him when he said something important.
>
> i guess... partly it is about how much you want to get your team members doing tehir job by trying to get them to do it by way of inducing shame and guilt in them.
>
> but i also need to be on a team where people are focused on team outcome. not on undermining the team outcome for their own ends.
>
> i think my supervisor... and the dean... are testing me.
>
> i choose to believe.
>
> (((pc)))
>
> i am glad you are here.
>
> how many treatments do you have left? are you still feeling more functional?
>
>I start back on Monday morning for my final 15 sessions. Im doing well. I cant detect any entropy setting in as I expect it will. After that some minor surgery with a months recuperation. Ive got another challenging bit ahead for me.
PC/CS
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 19:49:34
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 0:01:25
> I start back on Monday morning for my final 15 sessions. Im doing well. I cant detect any entropy setting in as I expect it will. After that some minor surgery with a months recuperation. Ive got another challenging bit ahead for me.
I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. A month's recuperation doesn't sound insignificant, but I'm glad you are feeling confident about the surgery :)
What is it? Curious...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 20:05:26
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 0:01:25
well my supervisor said that she is going to reccommend that the thesis be failed outright.
that it not be sent to external examiners, at all.
unless... i rescind my submission and work on it, for her, for another 10 days...
I wasn't sure what to do... So I decided to stay the course.
I said to her that if you are operating and the anesthetist says 'you have x amount of time' then you go with that. when the dean (who makes final decision on everything) said 'we try and have examination wrapped up in 3 months' then it's probably wise to go with that. so i submitted it 3 months prior to when i need to hear about having completed.
And I think of all the theses I've read, over the years. Ones that were done on time, and ones that weren't. And I think of all the student work I've graded... And I think about how these days it's all online grading grinder. And often the people grading it don't seem to have taken the time to have read it... Increasingly...
At least one of the external examiners needs to be based overseas. So perhaps there is some saving grace...
I don't know.
My supervisor says she doesn't know why I think I need to get it to the Dean 3 months prior... She thinks the best chance I have of getting it accepted on time is if she gets more time with it before it goes to externals.
Only... When I graded for her she told me not to take any marks off at all for students who submitted their work late. So... I don't trust her judgment on timely completion. And the number of things she's graded that were late... Those don't get to set the standard. But then, even if they did...
It might be that that's how things are in the Arts, now. It's a way of bonding your students so they will never be able to leave you. You make it so only those submitting late get their theses accepted.
Is this really the way the world works? 'Works'... That's one word for it.
I do wish I had someone I could talk... to... through... someone to bounce ideas off IRL. Someone who was professional. With respect to not disclosing what I speak of with them to any third party. I don't believe such a thing exists anymore. I don't believe such a thing exists in these parts. People only seem to want information to figure how better to bind others to them. My `friends'... Yeah... One of them said... She's glad that I don't have more because then they'd never see me. Only it's her believing it that makes it so. And it's the lack of equality that makes it so tiring for me to spend time with her. But it's supposed to be funner for her this way? In the past... When she was a weedy geeky teen people treated her badly. I get that.
Posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 20:16:51
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 19:49:34
> > I start back on Monday morning for my final 15 sessions. Im doing well. I cant detect any entropy setting in as I expect it will. After that some minor surgery with a months recuperation. Ive got another challenging bit ahead for me.
>
> I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. A month's recuperation doesn't sound insignificant, but I'm glad you are feeling confident about the surgery :)
>
> What is it? Curious...
>
>
>
>
Hemorrhoids. Three week anticipated recovery period. Owie.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 20:17:21
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 20:05:26
i think putting it the way i just did... i see that i did the right thing.
i was worried because i think it's probably a false analogy about the anesthetist telling you how much time there is. i think you have a nurse who reads out vital stats and a bunch of people who look anxiously at each other. so, in other words, i think it is more collaborative...
on the other hand... from the time i applied to do this people have dragged their feet... right the way along... so it's more a case of just getting on and doing it to the best of my ability in the face of a... gaggle of people who get together and `he says she says we says' that there is no way you will (no way we will allow you to if we have anything to do with it) get things done.
the thing about the dean of the school of graduate research... waikato has a good chemistry department and a good computing and mathematical sciences department and a good... and there will be people, there, who crank out work in a timely fashion. and she is dean of them all. and she knows i'm doing this to be freed from the arts and not to launch my career in the arts on the basis of this. so...
it's only made me more determined than ever that there's no way i want to join them. was that the intent? who knows. i didn't ask to be born.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 20:44:33
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 20:16:51
Yeah, owie. I'm sure they have lots of experience with good outcomes for that one :)
I have had... lapses. That resorbed. Phew. But it really was most uncomfortable and there was much anxiety from me about whether I was going to have to to the doc and have them take a look and then get put on the wait list and then...It's tempting to try and source those little rubber band things for yourself, but it's also tempting not to temp fate with an infection. For sure.
I think they are pissy that I was 'I did it!' when I submitted it on time. Because they don't get many grad students and they were enjoying being helpful...
And I wasn't there to take time out of my day to go and chat to them to try and get them onside with wanting to help me. Or at least allow me. And I wasn't there to be able to... Help them. In anyway. They didn't get to see if / whether I was helpful. Or anything.
Is it really arrogant of me to expect that people can just... Read it. And assess it's quality for the number of hours it is supposed to be?
My supervsior seems to want me to be scared. No... To express fear to her. Supplication. I guess that's the idea of her informing me she's about to tell the Dean that she thinks it's an outright fail.
Maybe to see if I conduct myself professionally when things don't appear to be going my way.
I choose to believe the later.
:)
Posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 20:51:05
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » Clearskies, posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2018, at 20:44:33
I do think its true that theyre miffed that you arent behaving as expected or demanding; youve got their collective noses out of joint. It means nothing but I admire you for getting the work in on time and complete. Im certain a professional demeanor is the last thing theyd expect, just guessing. For whatever reason someone might feel threatened and not know why.
(I was finding my health complaint was getting much worse when stressed. I was in a pickle.)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 4:07:54
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 16, 2018, at 20:51:05
> I admire you for getting the work in on time and complete.
It does mean something. I thought they would say that / see it that way, but my supervisor... Denial. That was one of the stages of grief.
Yep. Keep me weak and powerless. Dependent on them.
I see.
I do see, now.
How the people around me have been happiest when I've been at my lowest. When I've been most... Unable to figure what to do.
When I'm 'paranoid' or I'm 'too stressed' or I'm 'depressed' or I'm wondering why I needed to have been born at all, things are too painful / too much for me.
That's when they get to look after me. If they want. If they feel like it. Or not. As they see fit. You know.
Like a little pet on their schedule.
It felt like it was mine... But I was never in the position to help them. And they never needed to ask for help from me, anyway.
My 'friend' with 2 rental properties. Who lets me stay in one for a couple months... Mostly just so she could kick out the previous tenants and move in some paying heaps more... To show me she had the power to do that, I guess. When she knew what I needed was my own space. Just a little test of that time to see whether I was right. Yep. I was right. Then it is time for me to lose that space.
Anyway... Whatever.
Thanks. You are the only person who has said that. If I tell people... Well... I think people much prefer to hear that it's rubbish. People seem determined to jump to that and proclaim it *even when they haven't bothered to read it*.
A professional person to talk to occasionally. To help show me how. That was what I needed. And when it seemed that I was getting that other people always would stick their oar in and mess that up for me. E.g., when I did find a clinician who I clicked with (largely for their ability to be professional. And also for their ability to... Not feel that they had to jump in with advice etc when they really didn't know. A little... Space to let me see. A little questioning the things that didn't quite sit right. Sometimes suggestions... But not insistance I see things their way...
It should't be too much to ask.
> (I was finding my health complaint was getting much worse when stressed. I was in a pickle.)
If mine hadn't gone away I would have had to have done something. Sigh. Moved to Australia, most probably. Hahaha. I'm sure you will feel better once it's dealt to. (((pc))) thank you for being here, for me.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:42:41
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy » Clearskies, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 4:07:54
It is funny (strange not haha) the professional thing.
Nobody doubted my professionalism during my undergraduate degree. People seemed fairly impressed by me and the doctoral student. Impressed that we turned up to conferences with our papers finished and polished. Impressed that we attended a talk in every stream (and didn't skyve off because we were still finishing our own work or because we decided to go sightseeing). Impressed that our talks were properly polished (from papers) and we wern't obviously woffling or rambling because we hadn't finished writing them. Or not just playing it off the cuff.
None of my students behaved unprofessionally towards me, I don't think. And I don't think I behaved unprofessionally towards my students. Things were a bit stiff and formal, if anything. Certainly not my being gushy with them or spending tutorials yakking at them. I did learn a lot tutoring some law students, though, wherea all tutors were instructed to really take a back seat and the students were to prepare and run the tutorials themselves. I was impressed by how much the law students really prepared a good summary of the material. Forcing them to do those presentations meant they came prepared and they were a great bunch to teach.
I was considered professional enough in my conduct to get to go to the US. To help teach ethics to kids - some of whom were pre-med. I was allowed to grade their work (though that was checked -- and I greatly respect the professionlism of that process).
It has only been since my return to NZ that people have treated me like such garbage. Not enough to live anywhere habitable. Not enough to live with people who are able to give me space (instead of people who psychologically need me to be there for them). Not enough to eat healthy food while studying a demanding sport science program. Not enough to ... Not enough. Then when you ask for help because you aren't coping then out come the security guards to push you and shove you and rant at your lack of professionalism. To charge you with abusing them and so on.
Any unprofessionalism in my conduct in more recent years is in direct response to that sort of treatment.
Do we really think that other people would behave any different?
And the things I'd done that were supposedly unprofessional. If a judge was shown the video footage of my behaviour then they would see things in context. Which is why a judge wasn't shown any of the video footage. Which is why you gotta go around with a film camera taped to your head if you are poor and want to be treated professionally in these parts.
A woman with a baby and a Maaori as Vice Prime Minister. Avitars born out of a con-muniscations department from... Somewhere. From wherever they will collect their superannuation from, I guess. To disguise the fact that things are disgustingly uncivilised and unfair for so many of our children and Maaori people. But it's okay, our Prime Minister is the one going around blessing 'this is a vulernable child' on their heads.
Whose your mummy? In the name of equity, no less.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:59:04
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:42:41
And hopefully I'll get to wrap all of this up with a nice little bow and place it off to one side.
And get to learn about... Healthy development. The start off from conception (maybe even before) and track things through. Through to birth. And then infancy and then beyond. Learnign about healthy development. How you want things to go, when all is going well. About the scope and range of human variation. About how things are wobbly sometimes and about little nudges one can do to help them get back on course.
About healthy uses of shame and guilt. About healthy dyads and triads. And of course then the heartbrake of so much f*ck*d up ness in the world. But then just do the best you can.
And I think it will help me come to peace within myself, actually. There is this thing about not letting people with a history of trauma or abuse do it - for their own good. But that doesn't make sense to me. I think it is more culling the pool. I mean, I remember we used to learn that domestic violence wasn't a poor people issue, it knew no social class. But I'm fairly sure that domestic violence being reported to or recorded as having happened is a poor people issue, now, at least. It is only poor people who will have 'abused' or 'abuser' or 'vulnerable child' tagged to them. It's a way of culling the pool on the professional practice programs. Tis all.
I think maybe where I went wrong was saying from the outset that I needed to be done by x date. Because the date was in teh very near future people responded by dragging their heels. If I had have said I had 5 years to get it done they probably would have kicked their own processing work into overdrive. Trouble is that if people train you in opposite and back to front and upside down then you can't function around... The rest of them.
I think maybe where I went wrong was saying anything at all from the outset.
Only I needed to check whether being done by x date was possible. I needed to make it clear on my application.
There comes a time when you just gotta shrug your shoulders. Roll over. And go to sleep.
Yeah.
1) See what the dean says.
2) See what the examiners say (if the Dean sends it to them).
Nothing else I can do.Did / am doing the best I can / best I could.
In some... From some perspective I do understand this idea that there is something to the... Calmness... Or something to the whole being raised professionally and so on thing. I mean, otherwise, if it were possible for me to turn out okay despite everything my Mother did to me... Then why would anybody treat their kid any different? If they got a kick out of distressing it, I mean. Of course all this was done in an effort to train me to put the clothes on that she left at the end of my bed each and every morning. With no fuss and no complaints. I wear what she wants when she wants because she wants. Even when the girls at school are wearing dresses and I want dresses (so I'm made to wear my brothers old monster t-shirt) or when I want trousers (so I'm made to wear these elaborate china-doll dresses). Or I could wear nothing at all, then. And the shame that overcomes me periodically will somehow make my mother feel victorious!
I'm so glad they didn't let her adopt a baby (just for a while, I like them when they are really really young) this year. She doesn't want a dog or a cat because they aren't contollable in quite the same way. Sigh.
I would really love to learn how things are supposed to go right. And tehn probably help people with their hemmarrhoids, yeah. Because I can know it when I see it and appreciate it. But the more... Formalised... Patient contact and the... Focus of the surgical team (when all goes well and everyone is working together and pulling their weight) would be great. Yeah. For me. To be part of a team of healthy people. For a change.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 7:13:18
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 5:59:04
maybe an odd question... But I wonder how many people have such vivid memories of things that occured to them when they were, like, three.
i wonder if it was because my mother was so good at magnifying (mostly - though occasionally not exclusively) the negative emotions. there is something about emotion encoding. something about how we tend to form vivid episodic memories of emotionally intense experiences.
she genuinely seems oblivious. she's surprised at how i remember things... sometimes she plays dumb. sometimes she says 'you remember that?' genuinely. like she thought she successfully managed to make me forget forever by distracting me. like... i really would have the memory of a fruit fly. doesn't matter what you do to kids when they are young because they won't remember anyway... she did have an element of that to / in her.
only, i do remember. and, since she was the primary source of distress... the only thing that would allow me to break out of the loop... the only way that i could figure out the thing to do that would help me break out of her loop... was for me to ... get away from her. yeah. just get the hell away and never look back.
only you have to so you aren't stuck *re*-acting to it *involuntarily*.
sometimes my initial reactoin is f*ck*d up. the initial-most. but i think most people are like that. that's why it's good to be 'pause' when unsure.
i dropped a glass bottle of ginger beer in the supermarket the other day. went to grab a 4 pack off the shelves with arms loaded of other stuff like you'd grab a 6 pack with your fingers in the holes on top - and one slid out. i managed to clutch the rest of them.
then this girl... maybe 7... 9... was like 'what can i do to help?' and i was like... you can't take the bottles because if you take one the rest will fall... can you take the jar?' and she took the jar. and i was like 'can you take my helmet' and she took my helmet. and i said: if i don't move i won't drop any more. can you go tell someone who works here that theres a mess. i'm worried someone will cut themself on the glass.' and she went off.
only of course i should have said 'can you tell someone who works here that someone dropped a glass bottle of liquid and can they bring a mop?'
because they didn't bring a mop. they brought paper towels and a dust-bin.
but she was a helpful little girl. and she reminded me of what helpful looks like. again.
and why it is that i feel so crazy, sometimes.
but i did good. i did the right things. largely. yeah. while most people look around sheepish. and would have run off.
only i should have stayed and helped the kids who came to clean it up. i apologised a lot. and then i started to say something about putting the wad of towels on the floor and scooting them about with your foot instead of getting down there on your hands and knees... but then i didn't want to be ordering them about... and they were all supplicant. and i felt bad about that.
anyway.
i hope the dean does send it on to the externals. took me a while but i figured out the person who it should go to. she may well make some reccommendations for some changes. but i think she will be sympathetic of the overall line.
it's hard because the thesis has so mjuch from so many fields now. its truly interdiscipliary. i need someone with a bit of knowledge of law and insurance and ethics and social theory and statistics. ha.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:25:04
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 7:13:18
I'm wary of appealing to statistics. To any kind of statistics. Any appeal to statistics is like appealing to a claim like 'eggs are good'. I just mean to say that the statistical claim is meaningless. Rather, you need to know what question they asked and how they collected their data and then the raw data and so on... So you can assess whether there is sample bias and in what direction and so on... And there is an industry in telling the story this, that, and the other way for this, that, and the other effect.
And I do get that apparently now statistics are coming out that... diverge from the 'party line'. Only... I don't see that their use of statistics is any... More rigerous than the 'opposition'. It's just... More of the same. The *quality* of the debate hasn't picked up.
I have decided / realised that things are significantly worse in this country than how they used to be. During my time away this country really took a dive downhill for the worse. Presently most of our infrastructure is empty. Universities are empty. There is a dearth of skilled staff. A dearth of competent lecturing staff.
We've been taken over by admin. The developments are all structures and even spaces to divert attention away from the fact that: *There's nobody home*. It's the economic thing they do when they discover the assets when immediately liquidated are worth more than the value of the thing and so they buy out the thing and liquidate and say there's a *restructure* which involves firing skilled people and fleshing things out with masses of... Drones... To try and disguise for as long as possible that *there's nobody home*.
Because they want to collect the money from international student fees for as long as possible, I suppose.
And if they offer a Medical Degree (particularly) that looks to be a back door into Australia...
Well, they can free-ride off of that for a while.
Presently Dentistry is working pretty hard. And dental technology. The only people walking around here with smart navy blue scrubs are *dental technicians*. I met some of them in physics. They were lovely. The whole table was significantly struggling and they were crying *why do we have to do this course!!!!!*.
The books are still being culled from the libraries. And the individual desks are being removed to be replaced by long benches. I guess it will be easier to remove (burn?) a few long benches at the end of the day than many many many individual desks.
The physical infrastructure is being dismantled and shipped off.
That's how come when you aren't forced into the herd (e.g., with 1,500 people split across 2 or 3 lecture theatres) you see how empty things are. Like Auckland traffic which is only a nightmare because *everybody must* be at work at *exactly the same time* and *everybody must* leave work at *exactly the same time* which creates an artificial jam.
You only need to leave 30 minutes later to see...
*There's mostly nobody home*. And nobody on the roads... And outside term time the whole housing shortage crisis thing in central Auckland... There's nobody home there, either.
Come summertime central Auckland is as deserted as Canberra.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:36:23
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:25:04
I wonder if it is like this in other countries, too, or if things are worse, here.
During my time in Australia the university was going through a restructure. It made sense for some of the departments / research schools. But not for others. But it happened, regardless.
I don't really know how things are there post-restructure.
It was supposed to be about adding diversity to the department. It made the department *bigger*. By merging a few of them together. It meant they could present a different bunch of statistics on things like PhD completion rates. Maybe that was it. I suspect it was. Maybe there was a trade-off there with respect to the output / productivity of the researchers vs their students. That could have been it. That wouldn't surprise me. So now we'll find a way to fix that by introducing co-authorship, like the sciences, because you are required to have 5x20+ years of publications so that's over 100 publications before you get to give a talk on how 'I'm a real doctor that treats actual patients while simultaneously running a few randomised double blind control trials and the odd observational study' and there is no oxy.. no oxy... no oxy... something. I forget what. No oxy something in that.
Smile of the camera and come to the talk, do! to be followed by drinks!
Sigh.
Someone's gotta do that, I guess. Glad it's not me. I hope those are the jobs for the heirs to the throne. The mantle or whatever. Whatnot. To hobknob with the people who think all of that is just *charming* and where can they sign themselves up?
Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:56:00
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:36:23
they tell us that universities *used to be* elite, and now what is happening is that they are becoming for the people.
only, i don't believe that is true.
i mean... i first went to university. however many years ago. from this country. what i did was i made the decision that i wanted to go to university, i worked (a bit) at school to make sure i earned the grades that would get me in to university, and then i got to go to university.
what has happened is that they decided to change what the university is about so that *everybody wants to go to university*. so you have, today, a bunch of people at university who never would have chosen to go, before, because they don't actually like studying anything at school, and they aren't actually particularly interested in any of the university subjects, either.
but, they watch tv. and university is where you go to be a doctor. to marry a doctor. i forget. university is where you go for those cool frat parties (or foreign equivalent). and so on. university is where you go if you want a job that pays a living wage. and they scare all these people (and many more besides) into going to university.
but there isn't really anybody to teach them. because there's nobody home, anymore.
they try and persuade people to believe that the problem is that they didn't get entry to professional degree program. and that's not about who'se your daddy, that's about people not getting the grades (we have no accountability on grading practices) or whatver... even when different residential halls employ different tutors and so on...
and i know full well that when you get into a professional degree it doesn't take more than about 5 minutes to learn that there's nobody home there, either. they mopped up the remaining people who would have been great for the sciences or whatever else (because that is, after all, what they were actually trained to do) but... there's nobody actually medical. well, plenty of oxy guys, but that's more medicine conmunications presented by all my randomised double blind control patients and observational study patients i'm totally in it for my patients brought to you by pharma or toxic waste disposal or whatever oxy guy...
and... i know... you gotta meet the people who *enjoy* hanging off his every word.
i just... my concern is for the little old lady in the corner getting screwed out of her retirement fund.
but what ya gonna do?
we have been taken over by psychopaths. people have been saying it for a while.
fortunately it is a cognitive capacity thing... so it is actually possible to assess...
sustained though.
i suspect the solution is what people have known for a while... it is in the balance of power. and about the continual need to rebalance as new things are added. as any computer game developer will know.
the structures so the mercenaries behavior tends to co-incide with the actual good.
some sham facade of morality.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 17:08:48
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:56:00
because maybe it is true that power corrupts.
maybe it is true that as things go your way you find yourself believing that things deserve to go your way and that if things aren't going well for others then things don't deserve to be going well for others.
maybe that's something that happens as the human mind seeks order or reason or some way of making sense of the situation. a way the human mind can live with. if you can't help the victim: blame the victim. if you can't help the victim: the victim enjoys their position and it is only a matter of time before the victim will get their chance to have all the enjoyment over others that their persecutor had over them. and that is the game of life.
i keep thinking *new money*. that was supposed to be the thing - wasn't it? there was this idea/l of the English gentry. The ruling class. The lords. And televison shows like Downtown Abbey and people like Emma who go and help tend to the poor people in the village when they are ill. People who use their power (to the best of their ability) to look after those in their charge. To create jobs for them. To support their way of life. And so on.
But then the idea is that their money dwindles... Perhaps through bad management, but perhaps just because the... Was it the titans of industry? Something like that. But you have a bunch of new money.
Which is money.
But none of the refinement of the gentry. The gentle... gentlity.
And perhaps the squandering of money. Not appreciating teh value of it. I suppose there are charicatures either way.
A balance of power issue. A... Rebalancing of power issue.
And we learn about people like that guy from Mad Men who (we are supposed to believe) is irrevokably f*ck*d up because of his childhood. And Dexter - which is why the 'victims' gotta be kept out of professional practice (and mistrusted and excluded generally).
But there is something to it. And about how the people with money in these parts are new money. Hence the whole thing about how it takes someone with enough cheer to *force* people to adopt a spirit of cheer in cleaning up after themselves. Because they are people who get a kick of throwing something to the floor and seeing people scramble to pick up after them. That is what gets them feeling like *they made it in life*.
No... I am different from them.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 22, 2018, at 22:12:35
In reply to Re: Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 16:56:00
> i just... my concern is for the little old lady in the corner getting screwed out of her retirement fund.
though i don't know why my concern should be that way. i should be concerned about the little old lady in the corner getting people to run around after her constantly because they believe it will end up paying them dividends...and mostly, there's a bunch of people playing with screwing each other over, and you just gotta get away from them, as best you can.
they say 'don't do a degree in arts - do arts as your hobby' and by employing people who will not work / who will not work quickly for the arts they make sure that people employed in the arts never are allowed to do more than people who have a hobby interest can do on their weekends.
there is a tragedy of commons aspect to here...
and it isn't about the rich people and their rich kids... it really isn't.
those who are of greatest concern are those with nothing to lose. there really are groups of people about who have had minimal competent supervision *their whole lives* who are ruled by the biggest bully.
and the biggest bully is always on the look out for ready victims.
and there really is a very genuine sense in which you simply gotta learn to keep your head down in these parts. because you got people who have devoted their lives to ruling with an iron fist and you just gotta try not be targeted by them. so a sense in portraying you are part of some larger herd who will protect you (whether or not that's true).
even swimming... you can't just go and do your own thing in your own lane... someone will notice you and freak out about that. *most especially* if you want to work hard at it / get good at it you simply got to do that as part of a pod of people so you don't stand out from your pod in any way...
i am genuinly fearful that they will fail me this degree because i haven't sucked up to them in the way they consider appropriate... because they believe they can fail me... i don't trust their professionalism. which, i guess, is why it is that i do not want to join them. i don't want to live insecurely huddled where my prime task is pandering to them in some petty politics. i want to be in a setting where i feel secure that people will be able to identify and will routinely choose to acknowledge and ultimately reward... doing the f*ck*ng job.
it's a long way to there. and i guess this is why people have revulsion towards starting over. i think starting over is okay. the problem is getting other people to let you get started. people haven't let me get started here. awful people. they *choose* to be.
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