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Re: Partlycloudy Clearskies

Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2018, at 20:17:12

In reply to Re: Partlycloudy alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 14, 2018, at 22:39:33

> You operate on a different level of intelligence, obviously...

I didn't like reading that. It sounds... Arrogant. To think that. But, what if it is true? Then it isn't / can't be arrogance, I don't think. Unless I misunderstand arrogance.

I was at the pool yesterday and watching the kids on the diving boards while I was doing joint manipulations / stretching of my feet right at the end. One of them started yelling `I did it! I did it! I did it!' after doing something off the dive board. I missed what she did, honestly. I didn't have any context for it. My natural response was 'nobody likes a braggart', though.

I think about my life... And I think about how in my life I have joined with others in celebrating others achievements. And how I've genuinely felt some happiness and joy for them that things are going well for them and... Empathised... With their successes in life. Like... How a little kids want parents to do that with / for them when they watch them play sport...

And I think about those same people... And about how they seem to prefer it when things go badly for me. Getting this in on time required a lot of hard work from me. I did it. And people's response is denial 'no - you didn't'. And people's response is to accuse me of arrogance 'it isn't good enough' (they haven't even read it!).

All my time in NZ... I didn't manage to find anyone to... Actually care about me, here. That's how that feels... Seems to me.

My supervisor wants to tell me what I can do to help others want to help me. Instead of getting them off-side and deciding that they have nothing better to do with themselves than work to undermine me.

I guess I'll say 'sure, you let me know what you think about that'.

I suspect I already know what the answer to that is, already: Stay with them in their swampy swamp perfectly attuned to the slightest little thing they need from me. Sparkle in the eyes. Check. Empathy sad. Check. Indignation on behalf. Check.

Which would leave an empty shell of me.


Not sustainable.

If there was... Intellectual curiosity and delight and wonder and joy and so on then I'd find... Nourishment... In partaking. But otherwise... Not. It's exhausting. For me.

Happy Birthday.




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