Posted by kara lynne on June 26, 2003, at 14:05:58
In reply to Kara... I finally found you again., posted by giget on June 26, 2003, at 12:33:52
hi giget,
No, not bla bla bla. Very important and helpful for me to be reminded of. Truly, I need all the reinforcement I can get. I wanted so badly to call him yesterday, but I made myself wait until I talked to my counselor first. I sat there in her office, sniveling and verifying that it would not be a great idea to call him right then and tell him how much I loved him...I'm glad I waited. I was starting to replay our conversations and how he said he thought I didn't like him and that was the reason for his little outburst. Well if I had only loved him better...She reminded me of how disempowered I had become in the relationship, and how he counted on that. I told her that day I had been in the dept. store and had a nervous breakdown in the refrigerator section. Suddenly it just became too overwhelming--the idea that I had to find a refrigerator *and* a microwave. No-one wanted to help me because I wasn't going to buy anything expensive, and I left in tears with nothing. Now I managed to go to school and do some significant things in my life (even though my ex was appalled that it took me five years--although the average is four) but I was reduced to someone who could barely remember how to drive yesterday. She told me of some book that talked about the Cinderella Complex, about an advertising executive who got in a bad marriage that disempowered her and she felt incapable of doing the smallest things.
How long were you with your boyfriend? I'm sorry you're still going through so much pain. Do you agree with your therapist that you have not grieved? I am praying that I do not have to have some extended grieving process that takes lifetimes. I've wasted too much time already. I know it's too soon, but I don't want to wait a long time. The last couple of days have been the worst--I guess I had to focus on moving at first and that took up all my energy. Yesterday was really the pits. But I made it through the day and even had about a minute and a half where I felt ok--not happy, but not destitute. I was hanging a shower curtain and I realized I was feeling ok and I was so grateful. I think it was a medication moment though, and it didn't last.
Every day I find out some new and charming thing about this apartment--the latest being that the living room windows (bottom floor apt.) don't lock. They're so rickety they would have to be replaced entirely and apparently no one before me noticed or cared, just like they hadn't noticed the gas stove leaking like crazy. I talked to the manager and asked if the windows locked and she said no they didn't, that "...it was veddy veddy safe neighborhood." well needless to say that doesn't work for me. I just nodded, went inside and called around to look at other apts. I'm on my way there now.
Thank you so much for checking in with me giget--please stay in contact. It really helps.
poster:kara lynne
thread:236377
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030626/msgs/237271.html