Posted by kara lynne on June 24, 2003, at 13:50:36
In reply to Plummeting and beyond., posted by kara lynne on June 24, 2003, at 13:19:21
When grief comes on, and I feel that ache in my gut--it's so physical. It feels like someone punched me in the gut, my stomach just aches. I don't know any other way to say it.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling, and childish, and blaming. When I was a child my older brother used to sock me in the stomach when he was fed up with me--more times than I can count. He used to "knock the wind out of me". I know this is what siblings do, that you don't go crying abuse because your brother hit you. But there was something about that particular action--socking me so hard in the stomach that the diaphragm goes into spasm and you can't catch your breath for a moment. Figuratively he has knocked the wind out me within our sick little family. Then, and this was only once, he held a pillow over my face until I couldn't breathe. Obviously he let go, but not until I was crying and hysterical.
I don't know why I'm even saying this, except that I feel like I've been socked in the stomach. It feels like the same pain, like it's connected somehow.
When I start to cry and choke and feel like I'll never stop being so sad, it feels like death. Is this how grief is like death? And some of it is that little girl punched in the stomach, wanting someone to pick her up and comfort her and punish the one that hurt her. How do you learn to care for yourself in those places that you were never cared for? I hear the words, but they don't penetrate. In a hollow pit where I can only hear the echo of despair and loneliness-- I want to give up.
Go to her, you say.
poster:kara lynne
thread:236377
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/236680.html