Posted by sar on January 23, 2002, at 16:26:19
i've missed y'all; i've finally discovered a library near my new home that offers free internet access, so i'll finally be able to catch up here (somewhat). & they did confiscate my coffee...
i was doing all right, and then something fell on me; the pressures of everyday life, i guess: no money, no car, not wanting to strip, not knowing what to do, running out of medication, paying cab drivers through the nose because the bus schedule looks like ancient chinese algebra. and so took to sleeping all day, waking up only to cry, eat a little, try to write...
then got drunk and swallowed nearly every pill in my possession, immediately freaked out and called 911, and then, THEN, i drank liquid charcoal given to me in the emergency room, and 2 days later was involuntarily committed to the state hospital, where i spent 6 days and was taken off all medication.
since April 2001, i have been put on 1) prozac, then 2) klonopin, then 3) neurontin, then 4) lamictal. at one time, i was taking all 4 of these drugs. at the state hospital, they asked if i felt that i'd been overmedicated. a new perspective! i said that perhaps i had been, the bipolar stuff was all up in the air anyway, and a nurse suggested that my crazy actions were that of a thrill seeker (made that way because of longterm childhood abuse) rather than a manic-depressive.
i'm going through withdrawal right now; my legs twitch and my anxiety has returned, but i feel as if--i feel more normal somehow, i can't explain it; perhaps the medication softened me too much, softened me into bed and spending too much, shoplifting without worrying, only wanting to sleep, not caring what i ate.
i'm baffled; i must get re-evaluated and start seeing a new pdoc the 28th; give the history again, all of it, 3 attempts and family history and symptoms and blah blah blah, and then he will make some sort of decision and put me on some whack drug based on 30 minutes of talking with me, and it's all really crazy, AAAAHHH!!! ha ha ha, mmm.....i hope yall are farin better than moi, i'd like to know your opinion. in the hospital, without computers books etc i began to wonder if i'd gotten too involved in the world of psychology: do i have too much surface knowledge, like the first-year med student who diagnoses himself with every disease she reads about? depressed, anxious, borderline, bipolar, give me all of these drugs, doctor! every drug i was prescribed i suggested myself, i knew that i wanted prozac not celexa, neurontin not depakote...and at the state hospital they suggested thatr perhaps i need nothing but therapy.
this is all weird!