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Re: ahhhhhhhhhhh » Dinah

Posted by Mair on January 27, 2002, at 20:40:07

In reply to Re: ahhhhhhhhhhh » Mair, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2002, at 12:51:26

Dinah - Thanks. I think what bothers me is that as with probably most good therapists, mine is pretty much the same regardless of how functional or non-functional I am. She's very dispassionate and likes to discuss things, good or bad, as if we're 2 people just engaged in a serious exchange of ideas. Ordinarily this is fine, even good. Other times there is this enormous gulf between me as a person who can be engaged in those kinds of discussions, and how i actually feel. The other day, for instance, I felt this huge and overwelming rush of anxiety towards the end of the session. I couldn't concentrate on anything she was saying. It was uncomfortable. When I'm feeling as i have for the last couple of days, continually anxious, unengaged with or non-responsive to the people around me because i'm so distracted by ruminative thoughts, it's so hard for me to imagine carrying on a conversation with her that has any value.

She of course has tried to reassure me on numerous ocassions that it doesn't bother her and it shouldn't bother me. That I shouldn't feel pressure to talk intelligently - that it's not my job to figure stuff out on my own so I can present it to her in a neat package. However, I know that there has been some direction to my therapy and that nothing is really accomplished and no progress is really made when I'm more acutely depressed. Because she thinks it's important for me to understand connections, she'll try to get me to identify a source or sources for my current feelings. It'll be like 20 questions for her with me being an unwilling participant, because I don't have the focus or patience for thinking that way right now - I'm too paralyzed with bad feelings and circular reasoning to figure out how I got to where I am.

Sorry - but I didn't mean this to be so long. I'll go because I won't be able to figure out a way to cancel and I'm not the type to just not show. But I'm sure i'll feel like we've lost ground and that I've taken a step backward.

Mair


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