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Re: day 5 (v. long) toojane

Posted by wishingstar on November 5, 2006, at 10:44:22

In reply to Re: day 5 (v. long) wishingstar, posted by toojane on November 5, 2006, at 0:55:58

Good point. Anne is absolutely, 100%, no doubt my parents. They mirror each other quite a bit. My parents led me to believe everything was great, I was supported, they loved me.. until I was essentially abandoned around 15 and realized my entire childhood, I had allowed myself to see things as I expected theyd be, not as they were. I expected that caring and support lay beneath their silence. It didnt. But talk about big abandonment issues now.... I have a hard time trusting the neutrality of therapy sometimes, because the neutrality that I trusted for so long as a child blew up in my face.

I trusted Anne's neutrality for about a year. And she was especially removed.. more than most therapists I've known. Very strong boundaries. We talked about that fear. In fact, we spent most of the spring talking about my fears with trusting her, fears of being vulnerable, etc. But then she basically abandoned me as well. I'm not sure if you've heard the whole story, but that pretty much sums it up. No termination except for a brief letter a month later that was really more hurtful than helpful.

So it absolutely stirs up the hurts from my childhood. The experience has made me become much more aware of how hurt I still am over what happened in my childhood. I have talked about this a lot in therapy... especially with Laurie, who I'm not seeing anymore but saw until recently. All she wanted to do for weeks was make cognitive connections between the two. I've talked about it a little with Ginny as well.

Maybe talking about the underlying abandonment is really what I need to do. Obviously it needs to be dealt with. But I guess I just want someone (other than you all here) to let me talk about HER for a little while. One session. How badly SHE hurt me. What she did was wrong, regardless of my past hurts. I wonder if there is therapeutic value in that... or if the value is really just in talking about the underlying stuff. I guess in some ways, the refusal of my therapists to let me talk about what happened with her feels very devalidating. I definitely understand it on a cognitive level, but it's not helping the hurt. I guess what I want is just to be able to talk about it in therapy, cry my eyes out and talk about HER and what happened, not my parents.. and have them tell me that it's okay, it's okay to be hurting, what she did WAS wrong. I dont know why that would be so bad.

I'm not sure how I got so off course from your original comment. I guess you can tell I want to talk about it! Haha. Thank you for bringing that up though. Youre completely right and it helps to keep that in mind.




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