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partial hosp day 1

Posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:42:43

Well, I survived the first day. I was pretty scared but thought of you all and what youd say and got up the courage and went.

It was a very different experience from last time. The people are so different. Thats to be expected I guess. But there were a LOT of them. 9 in all. Last time, there were 3-5 on any given day. 9 was just too many. I had a hard time relaxing and really pulled inside and kept to myself most of the day. I felt almost like I was in a daze.

During afternoon group, Randy singled me out. He said I'd been quiet and asked what was going on. I told him I was feeling very self-protective, hopeless, etc... all the things I've shared with you all, but not in so many words. We talked some about that and then "it" happened. I realized that I'm not ready to be there right now. We were talking about wanting to open up versus wanting to shut down and not let anyone in. He asked me if I was truly committed to trying to open up and let them in. Of course the correct answer was yes. My answer was I dont know. Some of both. But as I think more since I've gotten home... the answer is no. I'm NOT committed to that. I'm not sure I even want to do it there. I'm certainly not putting every effort into opening up when its uncomfortable. In fact, I consciously chose to be quieter than I might usually be today. It just isnt safe. Of course its the first day with all new people (except Randy), and that's part of it, but this feels different. Last time, I had a hard time opening up because I was scared at first. This time, it's more of a choice. I just cant be that vulnerable. I dont want to be that vulnerable. The bottom line is, if I'm not willing to do that at this moment, partial is not going to help me.

So I'm not sure if I'll go tomorrow or not. I'll either go and tell this to everyone... but I hesitate to do that because I know he'll push issues I dont want to talk about in group. Or I'll call in the morning, leave a message and say I'm thinking about whether partial is right for me, and go back on Wed I guess, either to stay or to sign discharge papers. I dont know.

I know this sounds like a rash decision. I know how great it was last time... how many positive outcomes there were from my 8 days there. But if I'm not willing to do what I have to do, then I'm just not, and as Randy said, there isnt a lot they can do for me then. That's true. No reason to go if I'm not willing to participate.

Like I've been saying for awhile, everyone has a line where it just gets to be too much. This is it. I've smashed head first into it. No more. I dont care if I'm making a bad decision. No more.




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