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Re: day 6 MidnightBlue

Posted by wishingstar on November 6, 2006, at 17:27:54

In reply to Re: day 6 wishingstar, posted by MidnightBlue on November 6, 2006, at 16:43:45

I was just in inpatient a little over a week ago, and I really, really hated it. I felt worse there then I think I probably would have felt at home. Maybe it was just the unit I was on, but all the groups were aimed at lower-functioning people who have a hard time expressing things. I really just wanted someone to talk to but that wasnt really available there. I just sat around staring at the walls most of the time, bored out of my mind, going deeper and deeper into the depression. I hated the feeling of all the restirctions - no strngs, no dental floss, etc. It made me feel helpless and alone, in a weird way. I guess I felt like the only real benefit of that unit, at least for me, was to keep me safe. That was it. They did change my meds while I was there (to the wellbutrin, which I just stopped), but it takes so long for anti-depressants to work, there is really no opporunity to see if theyre working until later on. I guess if I find that I cant keep myself safe at home I might consider going back, but until I'm on that brink, I dont think I will. I'm miserable, and suicidal, but not immenintely dangeorus to myself at this moment. I hope that makes sense.

I'm supposed to talk to Randy on Wed about whether partial is the right place for me. But what is the other option? I called Ginny tonight out of desperation and she said maybe he is thinking of another program somewhere else. I live somewhat close to DC (2 hours) and there is every program in the world up there. Maybe anotehr program would be more helpful? I dont know. Right now I'm not sure any program will be helpful until these meds (or something else) lifts me up a little bit.

Thank you for understanding how hard it is to participate in group. I do feel like I'm failing in some ways... why cant I just talk? Is it my fault that it's not helping, since Im not talking? But you're right. It isnt on purpose, and I'm trying the best I can.. but I just cant. We talked about patterns in our past romantic relationships today and even though I know what my pattern is, I didnt say it, because it just felt like why bother? It would take too much energy to verbalize it and it just seems so pointless. Thank you for understanding. That helps me to keep it in perspective too.




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