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Re: day 6 (long) TherapyGirl

Posted by wishingstar on November 7, 2006, at 15:28:05

In reply to Re: day 6 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 6, 2006, at 17:02:40

I'm sorry therapygirl, somehow I missed seeing your response yesterday. I guess you must have posted it as I was writing the other responses and I just didnt see it.

I do know what you mean about certain things helping, like your recreational therapy. I do think more one-on-one time would help, but I guess I just dont think I can ask for it. The program doesnt really include that. Last time I was there, I was acutely upset about anne and he took me into his office alone a few times.. but that was special. It's not really something I can/should expect. I just wish I had it. I dont understand why K gets it so much and never me. That is SO hard for me to type... it feels so selfish. Yesterday I walked past his office mid-day going to the group room and he called my name, but when I stopped, he just asked me to ask another person in the group to go down to his office. I have no idea what it was about though.

I guess I just feel like it's my own fault if I feel ignored. If I jumped in during group and said what I wanted to say, someone would likely listen. But its hard because I hate to draw the attention off of someone else and change the topic like that. When I do have something to contribute to the conversation the entire group is having I will say it, but really the things I need to talk about arnet coming up, and it just isnt fair for me to change the group like that. Everyone else is engaged in these conversations... and it's not all about me. It's about what's good for the group. But even though I understand that logically, I still feel sad and ignored. And alone there.

You made a good point regarding Ginny and expanding my support base. I think you might be right. I certainly understand the value of having support outside in ADDITION to therapy. But I cant help but feel like every time they push and bring that up, theyre pushing me away and saying I need to rely more on other things. Over-reliant on therapy. That was the word they used in that workshop. It wasnt directed at me personally, but still. I do need to talk to Ginny about this. She hasnt really said anything much that makes me feel this way with her.. its mostly things Randy, Laurie and others have said that I'm extending to my relationship with Ginny. Because if it's true with my other therapeutic relationships, I'm sure its true with Ginny too.

I dont know how to talk about Anne. No one wants me to do. Ginny doesnt actually stop me like Laurie will, but I can still feel the pull away from it. Like a constant attempt to get the conversation to a different place.

Until I dropped out of grad school, I was working as a mentor for some undergrads. The director of the program knows what happened with anne, and I guess mentioned it to a counselor at the university counseling center who she is frends with. Apparently this woman reacted immediately saying that it was unethical, terrible, etc. I know this woman a little just from working at the center (I used to be an intern), so after getting the director of my mentorship programs permission, I emailed the counselor to ask if I could come speak with her about it. Not for any type of therapy, just one brief meeting to tell what happened and get a reaction from someone who is more of an objective outsider and doesnt know my entire life story. Of course my life story does play into what happened and probably brought up some countertransference issues that affected how it played out (at least thats what ive concluded), but I think it'd help me to hear someone - a therapist - agree with me that it was bad and tell me its okay to be hurt. I dont expect her to make me feel better directly, because I have a therapist and obviously this woman isnt her, but I think the indirect effects of a conversation like that could be big for me. She hasnt gotten back to me yet but we'll see. At the very least, if I do see her, I want Anne's name taken off the list of referrals that the counseling center gives to students they cannot treat. That's where I got her name originally. It makes me so mad at myself that I'm still hung up on this.

And dont worry, it wouldnt bore me at all to hear your horror story. If you ever feel like sharing it, I'd be happy to hear it. It does help to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks. :)




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