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Re: day 6 (long) TherapyGirl

Posted by wishingstar on November 7, 2006, at 20:35:39

In reply to Re: day 6 (long) wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 7, 2006, at 16:05:21

I guess you're right. I mean, there's some tiny part (.001%?) of me that knows you're right.

But I'm having such a hard time believing it. Even though what youre saying sounds logical, I have a million "but...."s in my head. And they feel so real. I dont think that I do deserve time to talk about what I want to talk about if its different from what the rest of the group wants to talk about. I want them to feel better and I know theyd be supportive if I tried to talk more, but it certainly wouldnt help anyone feel better. That sounds silly even to me, because of course I need to worry about how I feel too.. not just what makes them feel better. But I cant get past it. On one level, I dont feel like I deserve any more than what I'm getting.

I'm afraid that there is something to lose by speaking up or by asking for what I need. There is the possibility that it could be rejected or refused. And I dont think I could handle that right now. Laurie just disappeared on me in the last week or so.. I called her to say I didnt need to come back anymore because I'll be seeing Ginny and for her to call me.. and nothing. It wasnt an angry call, or passive-aggressive, or anything. Anyway.. the safety of this is almost better than the possibility of being rejected again. But you're right, it certainly isnt going to get better either until I ask for what I need. And that's where the hopeslessness comes in. I just want to die. I feel so incredibly stuck and I just dont thnik there's any way out. I know that's the depression talking. But its true. I cant ask for what I need, so I'm never going to get it, so I'm not going to feel better. It's a vicious cycle that I'm holding in, I know. But there's just no way out that feels possible right now.

Just for the record, you dont feel pushy at all to me. I appreciate everything you've said so far. It has given me some good things to think about, even if I'm still too afraid to take any productive action. I'll watch for your T story.. but take your time. I know youre busy so whenever you get to it. But I'll be interested to read it. Thanks for sharing.




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