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day 5 (v. long)

Posted by wishingstar on November 3, 2006, at 16:12:58

In reply to Re: day 4 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 3, 2006, at 7:12:45

Another very hard, not terribly productive day.

I didnt see Randy at all today. Sandy, another therapist at the center, led the groups instead.. I guess he was busy getting ready for some conference. I really like Sandy a lot.. she is very bubbly and happy but not in a frustrating way. She is very concerned and her caring is really obvious.

Most of the day went like yesterday. I didnt say a lot. Morning group I wanted to talk, but I didnt really get asked how I was doing and I didnt feel like there was a good time to jump in without directing the attention off someone else, and I didnt want to do that. So I was mostly quiet. I spend the latter part of that group fighting back tears.. I'm not sure why. I was just feeling so sad, so alone, so sick of myself, so hopeless. Those arent new feelings for me, but the intensity is growing.

The workshops went similarly. The first was on relaxation, and we got to lay on the floor and listen to one of those relaxation tapes. Anxiety is not something I generally struggle with, but it was pretty nice anyway. Always good to relax. The second was about wellness.. all the things we do good for ourselves, what we could incorporate back into our lives that we enjoy, etc. The third was on nutrition and healthy eating. All of them were fine but I guess I was just feeling so depressed and withdrawn that nothing any of them said really reached me on a real level.

Sandy led afternoon group as well. I talked more that I had been. I told them that I'm feeling even worse now than I was before I started partial. It was a statement I'd made before, but it got her attention. I told her I was considering not coming back on Monday because I just cant connect with anything being done in partial right now. Randy always says that any step towards our goals is a step closer to being there, even if you cant see that youre any closer.. but I'm having a hard time with that. Sandy had a few people tell me why they thought I should stay, but I still dont know. It just seems pointless. The more I go and am not able to open up (and obviously not be heard), the worse I feel. I was on the verge of tears for the entire group. It's just so hard.

After group ended, everyone left and I asked Sandy about whether or not to schedule with Ginny on Tues. We talked in the lobby for a few minutes and then as I was going to leave, she asked if I needed a hug. I said yes and broke down, right there in the middle of the lobby with all these people around. I started crying and told her that it's just so hard. That there are just too many people there for me to open up.. and I can give little pieces in group, but it's so much bigger than that.. I just cant share how big it really is. I guess I made enough of a scene in the lobby because the receptionist had her take me back into the group room. We talked for maybe 15 min. I told her how it seems like the second I start opening up and being vulnerable and relying on the therapist for support, they tell me I'm being over-reliant on therapy. I'm not a person who calls often outside of sessions, it's all in-session stuff. So I told her that is why I'm putting up these walls. It feels like I cant talk without being wrong. She knows what happened with Anne... and I told her how no one (randy included) really lets me talk about it because they all say I'm focusing too much on it, obsessing, etc. At that point I broke down again.. I'd been crying some the whole time but I mean gasping sobs-type crying. She said it sounds like I need to talk about it. I wish I felt like I could... but no one wants me to. They all just want me to be over it. Move on. But I cant. What Anne did still hurts SO bad. In fact typing about her is bringing me to tears again right now. Sandy actually offered to see me, if I wanted her to... but I told her that no, I think Ginny is good and I want to see where that goes.. but she said she's always there if I decide I need her. But truly, I got the same feeling/reaction from Ginny yesterday... the "you're relying on therapy too much" feeling when I mentioned how I'd gotten that in partial. That means it must be true, because I really do think Ginny is good. But what's the other option? I know they want me to have outside support, and of course thats important. But I just dont feel like I can really open up. Because the second I do, I'm relying too much on it. Talking to Sandy and finally breaking down really felt good.. I felt like she heard the dilemma I was in, regardless of her own feelings on it. She heard how stuck I'm feeling and how bad I'm feeling. She said it sounds like I just need a huge teddy bear and a cozy blanket. Shes right.

Sandy made me promise I'd go back on Monday so I guess I'm going. I'm sure she'll tell Randy what all I said, but I still dont think I'll really be able to open up in group. We'll see I guess. It's just too many people and too overwhelming right now. I just need one person I can sit and cry with and not feel bad about taking up time for others, etc.

They also took me off my meds (wellbutrin) today. So back to the drawing board. I was getting these weird electric shock-type feelings.. not painful, just weird and scary. I was supposed to see the doctor today but he ran out of time so he just said to stop taking the wellbutrin and we'll figure out something new on Monday. That was meds failure #6. That doesnt help the feelings of hopelessness, that's for sure. So I guess I have to go back on Monday for that, if nothing else.

One girl from partial called me yesterday to talk, and I called her back... which was VERY hard for me. I isolate myself almost all the time. She just called again and I ignored it.. but I'm going to try hard to get myself to call her back tonight.

I just want to hide and cry and cry and cry. I imagine I'll be in tears on and off most of the rest of the night. I guess it's good to let it out. This just sucks.




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