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day 6

Posted by wishingstar on November 6, 2006, at 15:30:37

In reply to Re: day 5 (v. long) wishingstar, posted by toojane on November 5, 2006, at 16:04:59

They switched my meds again. Now I'm off wellbutrin (it was making me sick) and on lithium. I dont want to take the lithium. I'm not bipolar. I havent decided whether or not I will... they gave me samples.

Overall I feel miserable. In a complete daze. I know that tomorrow I'll barely remember this entire evening.. not that ill forget, itll just seem unreal. thats what happens to me when it gets bad like this.

I said very little all day at partial. They check in with everyone in the morning.. I said I felt terrible.. that was about it. No questions directed at me during afternoon group except for whether or not the dr changed my meds. This is hard to admit, but I guess I feel a little ignored there lately. I guess they know I'm feeling blocked off, so I guess the Ts want to leave me alone.. but I just wish more than anything that theyd ASK. I was on the verge of tears all of the second group.. and I dont know what Id have said if the T asked how I was. Very possible broken down right there. I just feel ignored.I've felt this way since mid week last week but I havent wanted to admit it becuase its therapy, so its my responsibility to jump in. But regardless, it's how I feel. In morning group Randy said he figured I probably didnt want him to pick on me (direct attention on me) and I actually said that no, it was okay.. I just didnt know what to say. And there is this one girl there, K.. who is in a somewhat similar situation to me..and several times since I've been there hes taken her back into his office and theyve talked, hes calmed her down, etc... why doesnt he want to talk to ME? It's not because she was freaking out or anything. He did it today and she was sitting just fine, quietly, in group. I know what her situation is.. in fact, I know things she hasnt told the therapists.. so its not that theres a crisis I dont know about. Is it dumb of me to feel this way? I really struggle with feeling like im just an attention-seeker. Maybe I am.

I'm not going to partial tomorrow. We have 2 1-hour workshops in the mornings, and every Tues, both hour blocks are taken up by this one guy who does relaxation stuff. Hes good at it, but it'd be my 4th time hearing it, and for some reason, those exercises always seem to drop my mood a few notches. So I asked randy what to do and he said its okay if I dont come tomorrow. So I'll go back Wed. I also told him, again, that I feel just as bad as I did before I got to the hospital. He said we can talk Wed about whether partial is the right place for me right now. If partial isnt, what the hell is? Inpatient was NOT helpful.. in fact, it made me feel worse. Regular therapy obviously isnt working. I just feel so hopeless. Like there is nothing that will ever pull me out of this. No where I can go.

I'm just miserable. I just hurt so bad. I left partial today and cried my way home in the car. I know there isnt much left to say to this because I've posted this same stuff so many times.. so its okay if no one responds. But I guess it helps to know someone is at least reading it. So thanks. I'm trying.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:wishingstar thread:699190
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/700953.html