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Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 0:16:54

In reply to Re: still here Dr. Bob, posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2016, at 23:40:26

I have to find a new place to live and it's unsettling me, rather. It is good that I have to find a new place, I suppose. I'm not particularly happy here. It was workable. With a part time workload. It would be less workable with a full time workload, though. Being forced into using the kitchen / washing machine during peak hours instead of having more flexibility to use such things during the day while others were occupied with their full time workload.

Having the kitchen just outside of my door. I suppose it is possible I'm imagining it... But I get this feeling sometimes that people are listening out... Trying to make a 'we'. So if they hear me make a noise (close a drawer, or something) then they will make a noise in response. And things are supposed to go on like that... And then they will come bang on my door to ask to borrow some sugar, or whatever...

And the trouble is that I want solitude. Because I'm often doing something and want to keep on with it. Or whatever. Just relaxing. But just relaxing by myself.

I find... I am kinder to myself than most people are to me. I find... I am more sensitive to and responsive to myself than other people are to me. I don't know how other people are supposed to figure out what is best for me, anyway. My experience is that other people are much better than me at knowing what is best for them and trying to convince me that that is what is best for me. So I feel I mostly need to be on guard with other people... Assessing whether their interests really are aligned with my interests... Assessing whether I'm doing them a favor and whether they might have done me favors and the value of those favors with respect to how hard it was for each of us... I feel I'm not particularly able to trust their assessment (divergence of interests, again)... And so when it comes down to it I'd mostly prefer to be alone... So I can relax... Instead of feeling guilty for not looking after other people better...

I thought... I always thought the idea of a studio was the idea of having a place where one could work uninterrupted. So... Writers block or the equivalent... Struggling... Wrestling... And then you get your sh*t together and you get started in on a chunk of work. And you might want to paint for 2 days straight, or whatever. And a studio was a place where you could sleep or not sleep whenever you saw fit. You didn't have flatmates who thought it was okay to play their stereo prior to 10pm... You didn't have flatmates putting their mothers nagging and guilt feelings on to you that it is sleep time... You were free from all the expectations and judgements and rules of other people.

We call rooms in boarding houses 'studios' here.

I need to get my drivers licence and live further out. That is stressing me. Need to get on a bus and head out to the driving school. See what bike they can hire me to teach me to pass the basic skills test. I guess it makes sense to learn on something similar to what you will get... They aren't allowed to loan you automatic for the basic skills test, though. I'm stressed about that... Doing that... How much it will cost...

For a while there I was actually getting a reasonable amount of money each week. I mean, enough to eat well and enjoy coffee and... Actually enough for me to be putting aside a bit each week and thinking that if I saved for a few weeks I could buy this or that... I was starting to feel like a human being. Who could start to replace aspects of my wardrobe etc... And then of course that stopped. I needed to reapply and it wouldn't be backdated, or whatever. And that threw me... And I've managed to revert to poverty mode, again. A whole different mindset. I hope nobody is trying to teach me a lesson because I already know. I suspect people are learning about me here. Assessing me here. Getting to know me here.

I think things will come through for me here... But there is an aspect of 'eventually'. Sometimes I start to feel old. All those years I wasted in Auckland... Being called illiterate by illiterate people... And so on... I'm mostly okay, I suppose. Just having a bad day today in particular. Fireworks last night. Etc.

Seminars here have been good. And have continued now after undergrad classes have stopped. That has been great. That the whole thing hasn't shut down. I've been getting to a lot of seminars that have been publicly advertised... Realising that of course I can go to those. And ask questions. The chair / speaker decide whether they will take your question or not... I think people are starting to get to know me. I'm perhaps not as diplomatic with my questions as I could? should? be... I don't know. They haven't blocked me, at any rate. I think the time they didn't take my question they thought it would lead to a more sustained conversation after... But I wasn't in the mood... Will see whether they take my question in future... Questions are for the speaker not for the person who asks the question...

I hate feeling like I don't have a safe place. I don't feel that I have that here. :( I mean I'm not physically fearful (maybe a little of not having security latches on open windows at night)... Maybe a little of knowing that a bunch of people have our door access code and have keys to my room... But I don't think it is entirely reasonable for me to feel physically unsafe... But psychologically... I feel psychologically invaded. I don't feel that I have my solitary... I just don't.

I suppose I heard before I moved in here that the staff / grad students mostly lived further out... So it isn't convenient to walk... That here was mixed... I was hopeful... But, yeah, I think mostly people do know... Here isn't workable. Of course, lots of people think here is workable. Lots of people focus in on the real ghetto further down the hill and think here is wonderful... But it's not. It's not for me. I don't fit here.

My peers are academics, really. I'm not a grad student anymore. I mean... PhD students... They seem like kids, mostly. They aren't peers anymore. And grad students here are different from grad students where I went to grad school, anyway...

I feel really very uncomfortable. I have an appointment with a social worker from a church tomorrow. Can only find social workers with church organisations, apparently. See if I can get her to help me with the social housing thing, again, or with the private alternative... Which will be more expensive...

It's all discretion and their rationale... They've given up even trying to make it make sense...




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