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Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 1:47:33

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2016, at 1:09:06

...And the ethernet cable seems to work. Which is terrific. And does get me feeling a little badly about my flatmates...

Who are terrific people.

But things aren't working because...

I need to live by myself.

...I am getting a feeling of 'project'. Like... People might have been trying to teach me that it would be fun to live with flatmates.

...Only... I'm 37ish... And I'm pretty sure I have a good handle on what is best for me. My problem... For the longest time... Has been that I haven't had the means to do what is best for me.

I think I have been given more freedom... Gradually... The transition to disability was a big one. They saw that I don't spend all my money on 2 minute noodles and cheap alcohol... I feel like it has been a bit of a... Trust building exercise... Over the last however long. It just feels like it is taking too freaking long an awful lot of the time... Wasting a whole year in Petone then a whole other year at AUT and then 2 years at Auckland... I suppose it was nearly 3 to be fair... And if I get a 1 bedroom place for next year then it was a productive 6 months down here, indeed.

It's hard because I don't have class. I coped really well with finding a place etc when I moved down here. Things held together for class. Now things feel kind of aimless and floaty. A 4 month block of... Whatever. I have stuff to be doing... Am making good anatomy progress etc... Still have seminars to get to...

Have licence to be studying for. Flats to be viewing etc. But it's not the same...

They are getting to know me... Trust... I think it will be okay. I'll be okay in a 1 bedroom place... I'm feeling excited about it, honestly. Thinking about all the stupid things that I've not had for so very long. My own cheap vaccum cleaner. I mean, my very own. My own dishcloth in the sink. Stupid things... Dehumanising... To not have basic self sufficiency.

Only... Most people don't seem to feel that way. So... I don't know what to say.

I suppose I've had institutionalised moments.

To be fair.


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