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Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 21:22:19

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53

> I don't suppose it is fair of me to ask Bob not to do that but keep that option open for myself. I suppose. Hmm. I feel sheepish.

And that is, perhaps, the story of my life. My father did that. Or, at least, that is indeed how I felt about my Father leaving for quite a number of years.

And most of my social relationships... Sort of peter out. I don't tend to keep in touch with people when I don't simply run into them. I thought maybe there was something problematic about my ability to properly hold people in mind when they weren't there or... I don't know what it is. But I know I am really very bad at keeping in touch. And there simply isn't an excuse these days with Skype and email etc.

The people I feel the closest to are the ones who put up with that tendency in me. And when we do meet again we just kind of pick things up how they left off.

But I... Do amble off rather a lot. ANd I opt out of a bunch of in-person interactions, too. Social anxiety... Things seem too hard to me... So I don't do them. Like how people get together and spend all day getting all dressed up for a theme party (for instance) but the only way I can bear to go at all is if people don't give me a hard time for not really thinking about it... Then just showing up. Otherwise... I can't do it at all. Too much... Social pressure? I got a hard time to start with for not making more of an effort to dress up etc... Till I put my foot down on 'quit it -- or I won't come at all'. I just... Can't.


I don't know what it is.

I suspect the latter is a different problem.

Thesis is story of my life. I hope it isn't too late.

I think... I feel sad that my future is probably going to be one of me being considered a crazy person on welfare... If all goes well... Mentally disordered so I can't work so on sickness... I...

I cant' survive outside the university.

Philosophy is...

Well... There isn't another home.

That is what it is.

The love of learning for learnings sake.

The opportunity to learn...


(in as much as possible within the limited amount of time I have on this earth)

I don't understand people saying that life would cease to have value / meaning if it didn't end. That doesn't make sense to me. People who think they would be bored... Need to get out more. If my life lasted forever... There would be forever + 1 bits of information for me to learn. That equation doesn't make sense - but I'm sure the idea is clear... SOmething about provable things that can't be proven... Something somtehing.

devil is in the details of cousre.


I wish there was a lecture like the one I posted... For every field. So I could get a sense of all the fields there are.

Problem is that every research group probably has their own story...

Then my job... Is to use the information they have learned... To attempt to answer some of the big qeustions. The big questions that are thoght to be intractable to science. That can't be directly tested. That involve integrating information from a diverse range of fields / research groups where those people aren't even aware of each others existence...

Before alzheimers or dementia. Preferably.




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