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Re: still here

Posted by alexandra_k on September 10, 2013, at 21:25:56

In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 23:45:04

so yesterday i made a stew... and instead of thinking that i'd sorted out my food for the next 2 days as i planned... i asked my flatmates if they wanted some (for reals). and then i kind of hung out with them in the living area fiddling with references while they played cards and sung and chatted and stuff...

and it was actually kinda pleasant.

i asked if i could stay, today. and they said i can. and that is good.

i looked into studio apartments a little more and anything i can afford would be a sideways move that would use up all of my grading 'bonus' (i think of it as a bonus because it isn't a regular income and i never know when the next will come or how much it will be).

i think that taking seriously the possibility of moving got me more properly looking into it which made me realize that there are a number of very good things indeed about what i've got going on here.

sure i need to commute into the city... and that costs money... but i have a fast commute compared to most and the noises here are happy noises. not road rage or anger or drunkenness. i need to develop better routines around preparing large amounts of food and taking a couple meals in with me... i'm starting to develop better routines around working in the library space... there can be a social facilitation aspect to it...

it would of course be *more ideal* if i can get into student accommodation in the city next year (since i'll have 8am lectures 4 days a week and won't be finishing till around 5 with labs...) there is something special about being surrounded by students and basically living on campus... but things actually are pretty good here. anywhere else... is only likely to be noisier, truth be told.

i heard back from my undergrad uni and they said they didn't really have anything... i guess... universities know that PhD students in the final stages of writing up are moody and hermited. why would you want one? here... well... they do get some of me. i guess i need to make a bit more of an effort sometimes. like last night. it makes them feel a lot happier (since mostly they simply catch my anxiety, i think). and... i feel a lot happier today, too. i feel a lot happier today, too... why can't i hold onto that and remember it and use it to inspire me to make more of an effort?

i do have a lot of social anxiety... i had forgotten... that is partly why it often doesn't seem worthwhile... and here... no alcohol... it *is* hard. but i suppose it is good for me. and, well, it was what i wanted. to get out of the research silo / ivory tower for a bit and to see how things are with the world. i cry myself to sleep... wake up crying... terrified that i'm going to not get my thesis done... that i'll be stuck on unemployment with no respite because of the whole 'i'm doing my PhD thing'... seeing how the people live who don't have the whole 'i'm doing my PhD thing'... which makes a lot of this... feel... time limited... hence manageable... i'm starting to freak out that i'm going to be stuck here. that there isn't a way up.

i guess that is the point. that is supposed to be kicking in right now. to motivate me to finish.

then i freak out that no matter what i do it is too late for me... even if i finish now nobody will consider funding me in future because i was so late with the work...

but of course a lot of people *are* late with things... my supervisor is trying to hook me up with someone who just finished his book... i think it was due around the time i started my PhD... so... only around 6 years late... it is (of course) a really very good book now, though, however. i... well... i pissed about. i did. because i was sick. but sick = unproductive...

it is a miserable time for most... hang in there... get it done...




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