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Re: I wonder.... leeran

Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2003, at 18:51:41

In reply to Re: I wonder.... Dinah, posted by leeran on May 2, 2003, at 13:49:14

Ewwwwww!!!!! Those things are Disgusting!!! Worse even than my nightmare. Sorry about the "R" word; my phobia probably played into how the dream was structured as well. As obvious as the symbolism is now that my therapist (with a half laughing/half halting and embarassed face) explained it, I swear I had no clue at the time. Or I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to him. I still thought of him as male at that time. Somewhere along the line, he's become "therapist" instead and I can talk to him about sex without a blush.

I screwed up my courage and asked my mom about the incident again. She says that neither she nor my grandmother examined me, but that she took me to a doctor (she was unclear as to how long after) and he said I was fine, and that it was probably caused by riding a horse. Trouble is that we didn't have any horses (unless I've forgotten that too). We did have a cow that would let us sit on her back while Grandpa led her, but that only happened when the older cousins were around to nag and beg him into giving us a ride.

But in the course of the conversation, I discovered that there were tons of things I don't remember. My mother left to live with her parents because she found the notes my dad was keeping to try to get custody of me in a divorce. He had documented her "mental illness" and violent rages that included physical violence towards him, which she admits was true but swears there was none directed towards me.

She also told me that my dad moved up to the farm and lived there for months right before we moved back down. I have absolutely no recollection of that, and in fact distinctly remember that as we drove to my new home where we were to live with my dad, that I thought of him as a complete stranger and was really worried about living with someone I didn't know but was expected to call Dad. I guess it's possible that the car accident I had between the time he left and the time we came here might have jarred my memories right loose. I know I was knocked unconscious and spent a day or two in the hospital.

But that doesn't explain what she told me of what happened when I was well old enough to remember. I remember she used to storm out of the house when she was angry. But she says that she would head for home and go far enough (several times, she says) that she would have had to be gone overnight. I have no memory of that at all. And I was a preteen then. In all it seemed like she was telling of someone else's life.

I'm confused now more than ever.

Of course, my mom could be wrong about these things. She usually lies in her own favor, but perhaps she made an exception for the sake of drama.




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