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Re: I wonder.... leeran

Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2003, at 9:22:21

In reply to Re: I wonder...., posted by leeran on May 3, 2003, at 1:30:04

I'm surprised you were ever willing to go to t-ball again. It must bave been awful hearing those things. Perhaps your father was putting his own interpretation on your mothers' actions all those years, or perhaps her actions were in part a reaction to his assumptions. I guess as much as we think we know about our parents and their relationship, we really don't. I always thought I knew too, because both of them confided in me. But I guess they confided what they wanted to confide. :)

After a night's reflection I've been able to fit what my mom said into what I know of my life. I think she was probably just a few years off on her running away from home story. If she was gone overnight just a couple of years after she sets the story, I probably wouldn't remember because it wouldn't be important to me. My conception of my mom had shifted by that time.

And obviously moving here was that major life circumstance you describe. My memories after that are pretty intact. Before that I just have a handful of snapshot memories, plus photographs and stories other people have told me. I clearly can't say with any certainty what happened before age 4 1/2 other than the snapshot memories.

My memory of moving back to live with a stranger was probably from the visit the previous summer when we did come back to visit my dad. I have a snapshot memory of that occasion where I did have those thoughts, so I must be confusing the two drives down.

And obviously I couldn't possibly have a clear memory of what happened before we left my dad. But my mother has often told of her uncontrollable temper as a child and she was fairly out of control with me a few times. Also, even the entries in my baby book from that time show an overwhelmed young mother with an unemployed husband with whom she argued. I guess it's not inconceivable that under those circumstances she crossed the line. She told me this in context of diabetes, by the way. She thinks my birth triggered the diabetes and she says she had wild temper tantrums. It might have been postpartum depression, but the result would be the same, I guess.

The only thing that doesn't add up is the papers where my father was trying to get custody. She says she recently ran across them in some old papers, and is going to destroy them so no one else can see them. But at that time, a dad had no realistic chance of getting custody, and I never had the idea that my father would want custody of any young child. Either she misinterpreted letters or a journal, or things must have been really really bad.

At any rate, thanks for letting me use this forum to work through these things. I feel much less like I fell through the looking glass today. And I have perhaps a bit more idea of why things may be the way they are for me.




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