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Re: I wonder.... noa

Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2003, at 8:25:52

In reply to Re: I wonder...., posted by noa on May 1, 2003, at 17:16:28

Hi Noa,

I guess there are some things that concern me, as well. The main one being that I remember it so well. I hadn't consciously thought of it for as long as I can remember, but the memory was pretty complete when I recounted it to my therapist. Of course, my immediate thought wsa that it was a dream. However, every external part of the memory, everything except how I felt, was corroborated by my mother without any hints on my part. What was I wearing, what did I tell her, everything. I never thought to ask her what she did to check it out. The memory is just a snapshot and doesn't extend for more than a few minutes in either direction. I imagine she would have at least done an exterior review. Perhaps one day I'll ask again, although asking about it twice might make more of a deal of it than it deserves.

One thing I know about my mother was that she was aware of these things, even at a time when they weren't widely spoken of, and wasn't afraid to speak up. She was a schoolteacher and had been turning in parents to the equivilant of child protective services when that was not at all popular with principals.

I don't know that it makes much difference though. The memory is a snapshot. Whatever happened before or after is irretrievably lost. And in what I do remember, I didn't even remember at that time that anything had happened. So if I perchance blocked it from my memory, I did it by the end of that day. And in the end I'm left with the fact that I have sexual aversion, problems with dissociation, and some other various and sundry problems that need to be adressed in the here and now, whatever their origin.

One sort of humorous note about the memory. The night after I had the memory, I had a dream. In my dream I was angry at my mother. She was sleeping while I was being attacked by these bugs. The bugs were large sluglike creatures who grew larger and developed a hard shell. Then they would regurgitate masses of this cotton ball like material before returning to their former sluglike form. I dutifully recounted the dream to my therapist and was horrified to learn that he thought it was a dream about sex!!! Imagine! It honestly hadn't occurred to me that what I was describing could have been viewed that way. This was early enough in the therapeutic relationship that I was mortified, although I can now look back with amusement at the look at his face as he attempted to delicately phrase his interpretation.




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