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Re: I wonder....

Posted by leeran on May 3, 2003, at 1:30:04

In reply to Re: I wonder.... leeran, posted by Dinah on May 2, 2003, at 18:51:41

"I screwed up my courage and asked my mom about the incident again"

I've got to hand it to you. I don't think I would have had that much courage!

This sounds incredibly confusing. On the one hand, you remember such detail about that one incident when you were three or four, yet it sounds like your mother presented you with these missing chapters today that you wouldn't have even known were missing.

Am I remembering correctly that your mother is eighty? I might be confusing that with someone else's mother. I know you said she is diabetic and has lost some of her toes.

Do you think she could be somewhat delusional? I hope that doesn't sound rude, but I'm not sure how else to word the statement. However, if she's like my father (seventy six years old and also diabetic) her memories of what happened years ago may be more vivid than memories of the last ten years.

Your family adopted your brother when you were eleven as I recall. I consider eleven to be a pre-teen, so it would seem that a lot of what happened in your life during your years as an only child is rather fuzzy, yet - I don't think I've ever heard anyone describe a memory as lucidly as you did that story of being four years old. Right down to the pattern of the outfit.

You mentioned that your mother referred to your brother as the son they always wished they would have had (I think this was when we were exchanging the "R" aversion accounts). It almost sounds as if his arrival marked a "starting over" for your parents. Do you remember much about the years from eleven through junior high and high school?

My childhood memories can be rather disjointed. The years seem to be marked by particular incidents, or by what teacher I had in what grade. I've found it amazing since marrying my husband that he can remember his childhood much more clearly than I can mine.

Since you were an only child for those eleven years you really don't have anyone else to help put the pieces together, do you? I can relate.

What about your father? He's still living - right? If he's like my dad that road may not get you too far. He was there throughout my childhood but my mother was the constant presence.

I just reread your post again. It sounds like there was a period of time when you lived with your dad, or maybe she took you with her when she found the notes . . .

Has your mother mellowed with age? These sound like some memories that she might not always have been as willing to share.

My own father has told me some of the strangest things since I've been an adult. Some of it just seems ludicrous, but then again - who knows? For example, he told me that my mother was having an affair with this friend of his, and from what I could gather, this would have taken place during my high school years.

I find this almost impossible to believe on several levels - not limited to, but including the fact that I know my mother always found this man disgusting, both physically and in his mannerisms.

He also told me that my mother had had an abortion before he met her and his friends warned him not to marry her. This was one of those bizarre t-ball field revelations about ten years ago.

My mother later told me that he has always been jealous and accused her of having affairs, but she looked straight at me and said "I'm a lot of things, but I've never been unfaithful" and quite honestly, I did believe her when she said that. There was something in the way she said it that was completely open.

Of course, I've wondered so many times why my father would say these things. Could he have fabricated some of this out of jealousy? Was there any truth to all this? It seemed like I spent nearly every day of my childhood with her. Wouldn't I have seen/heard something?

She was never one to leave me with babysitters or by myself, unless she had some guy down in her subterranean hide-out (I say that in jest, there was no outside entrance to her basement retreat).

Doesn't it make you wish you could replay it all like a movie and see it with adult eyes?

I always felt so imposed upon, forced into this triangle - so it seems strange to think that something big might have happened that I missed.

I'm guessing you'll be discussing this with your therapist . . .

Since reading Maryhelen's post (which I responded to and saved for some more editing before posting) I've been pondering the mind's ability to shut down for safety purposes. Actually, I've been thinking about it since the Elizabeth Smart homecoming, which was the first I had heard that her sister couldn't remember much about the night of the abduction until several months later.

Thanks for sharing this. I can understand completely how confusing this day must have been!
I wonder if you'll dream about all this tonight.


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