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Re: I wonder.... mair

Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2003, at 8:41:54

In reply to Re: I wonder.... Mair and noa, posted by mair on May 1, 2003, at 21:15:50

Oh Mair. I hate that you don't feel entitled to be cursed with your illness. I do understand though. My life is so wonderful that I sometimes feel my smile should be graven in my face by now. My problems are so obviously cyclical that it's easy for me to see their biological component. It may be different for a person with depression (I've had two to three bouts of major depression in my life, but depression isn't my major diagnosis). I also know that that kind of thinking is part of the illness. I suppose you know that, though. It's just hard to let it seep in to that place where you believe it.

As for guilt about your feelings towards your dad, please don't feel guilty about that. My mom never sexually abused me, and never seriously physically abused me, not enough that I wouldn't be ashamed to call it abuse even. Yet my feelings towards her are negative, and remain negative even though she's behaved herself pretty well for years. It's not that I don't forgive her, I do. But our opinions are colored by years of knowing these people. And just because you were born to someone doesn't mean you have to like them. I look like my mother, and whenever someone mentions it I want to scream. Because my mother is ugly to me in a way that has only a bit to do with how she looks. I feel bad about it sometimes, because in her own way she loved me. She sacrificed for me, She did many wonderful things for me when I was growing up. But after you live through certain things, it just isn't possible to go back to feeling how you think you should feel. With my mom it was things like her screaming that she hated me and I wasn't her daughter, vicious things, when she was angry. The occasional physical losses of control. And the half apologies after - "I'm sorry you made me so mad I said that. If you hadn't been fighting the belt, the buckle wouldn't have hit your face." If I feel differently about her now, it's because I had to to function. What your dad did was different, I'm sure. But I'm also sure that you reap what you sow. You aren't an unreasonable or vindictive person, Mair. If you feel the way you do about your dad, there is good reason to do so, I'm sure. And no reason to feel guilty. And I honor you for honoring him as a parent the way you do, despite your feelings.




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